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it was instinctual to check here when i get online because i've been doing it for over 15 years, which is fucking insane when i think about that and i don't want it to be the case but i guess we're old and.. old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqSpvI4W348

wow! it sounds amazing from the synopsis thingy I read on the link about it. That's really cool becca

okay so i posted this in the Louie thread but thought i'd expand on my thoughts about it or put it somewhere else more appropriate..
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okay so i wanted some genuine opinions on this one.. I've been thinking about everything that has come to light and the repulsion i feel towards the world that seems almost hopeless in its wretchedness (sorry to sound almost old testament like) and it's made me think about myself. I always try to look at myself. I'm going to admit things that I'm not proud of. Things I didn't think much about at the time because heavy drug use was a factor (and i don't say this to even go fishing for an iota of an excuse, i only mention it because all it did was keep me from looking at myself after the fact.) I'm learning a lot about consent, I'm learning a lot about a lot of things. and all that comes to mind for myself are these random instances.. being much younger, like 12, 13 when I first became interested in bodily pleasure, etc, you know it, you've all been thru it. however, I remember keeping my ears open to whomever was considered the "slut" at the time (and i cringe even thinking about this or talking like this because i'm referring to a child now when i describe this, even though we were the same age at the time) and I would actively seek them out knowing they were very easy. now I can see that there's a strong chance that if they were promiscuous at that age there's a very strong chance that they either had cripplingly low self esteem and thought that's what it would take for a guy, someone, anyone to like them and/or there was sexual abuse?

is it wrong for me to assume that those were the only two options? I don't know. I'm willing to admit I'm far from an expert and I'm only posting this and asking because I always try to learn. to strive to be a better individual in the moment and foreseeable future.

of course I never forced myself on them, only sought out those that I knew would be almost tragically easy.

I don't know. it's just on my mind. this might be totally irrelevant but when I think about it, if someone wasn't interested, and didn't NOT consent explicitly, perhaps were too embarrassed or ashamed or for whatever reason didn't verbalize that, does it diminish anything?

There was also times when i was with a woman who I was using drugs with.. (okay, and this I am VERY disgusted with myself in hindsight. ).. and after a night of indulgence as the sun was coming up, she begged my dealer, whom we were hanging out with, the 3 of us, for more drugs. he declined since all the money had worn out. She offered sexual services in exchange for them. Despite the fact that she had offered, she wouldn't of had to if the situation was somewhat different, and it was very clear it wasn't something she wanted to do. I didn't interject at the time, I didn't pull my dealer aside and say that's fucked up, she clearly has a problem, give her something if she's that desperate, etc.. I let them do what they did. I thought at the time there was nothing I could do to stop an addict when they're mind is set (and I still somewhat maintain that being an addict at heart, although in recovery) yet still, I should have tried..

I hope these aren't terrible examples. I hope I don't seem like a piece of shit. i dunno. the world is sad and confusing and I'm trying to learn more and more each day.

I just thought it might be a nice idea to vent if anyone has any guilt over questionable things of the past, present, etc. 

okay so i wanted some genuine opinions on this one.. I've been thinking about everything that has come to light and the repulsion i feel towards the world that seems almost hopeless in its wretchedness (sorry to sound almost old testament like) and it's made me think about myself. I always try to look at myself. I'm going to admit things that I'm not proud of. Things I didn't think much about at the time because heavy drug use was a factor (and i don't say this to even go fishing for an iota of an excuse, i only mention it because all it did was keep me from looking at myself after the fact.) I'm learning a lot about consent, I'm learning a lot about a lot of things. and all that comes to mind for myself are these random instances.. being much younger, like 12, 13 when I first became interested in bodily pleasure, etc, you know it, you've all been thru it. however, I remember keeping my ears open to whomever was considered the "slut" at the time (and i cringe even thinking about this or talking like this because i'm referring to a child now when i describe this, even though we were the same age at the time) and I would actively seek them out knowing they were very easy. now I can see that there's a strong chance that if they were promiscuous at that age there's a very strong chance that they either had cripplingly low self esteem and thought that's what it would take for a guy, someone, anyone to like them and/or there was sexual abuse?

is it wrong for me to assume that those were the only two options? I don't know. I'm willing to admit I'm far from an expert and I'm only posting this and asking because I always try to learn. to strive to be a better individual in the moment and foreseeable future.

of course I never forced myself on them, only sought out those that I knew would be almost tragically easy.

I don't know. it's just on my mind. this might be totally irrelevant but when I think about it, if someone wasn't interested, and didn't NOT consent explicitly, perhaps were too embarrassed or ashamed or for whatever reason didn't verbalize that, does it diminish anything?

i dunno. the world is sad and confusing and I'm trying to learn more and more each day.

Recently finished:
Gay Berlin by Robert M. Beachy
Against The Fascist Creep by Alexander Reid Ross

Currently reading:
Antifa: The Anti-Fascist Handbook by Mark Bray
Radical Behaviorism: The Philosophy and the Science by Mecca Chiesa

I'm also thinking about starting Dune, but I'm not sure I can commit. Maybe that's a read for if I ever go on tour again.

I've wanted to read Dune for a very, VERY long time. I've procured a many a copy of it over the years by many different means and for one reason or another never really dove into it. Same, and i'm very embarrassed to admit, was my experience with the Foundation series as well. Dune, in theory seems like it'd be right up my alley but as I get older and more and more of life accumulates upon my mind and shoulders (that's where all the fucking tension seems to rest these days! not to mention the knees..) if a book isn't truly phenenemonal and drags me in kicking and screaming like the last scene of drag me to hell the flick, I have a hard time committing for the long hall. it's stupid and i'm embarrassed.

a history of violence:

So Fred Cole was a legend and if you know about him, you know that and if you don't this would be a cool chance if you felt inclined to learn a bit about the man and his remarkable history.

the man literally played music since the 60s, raging garage punk and never stopped, making more raucous punk in the 70's/80's, before establishing Dead Moon which was just filthy, filthy, tribal punk rock n roll. like real primordial, chanting and dancing and drinking and banging in a graveyard type of ditties. Put out on an awesome d.i.y. label they started that always had a cool aesthetic.

He was married and played music with the same wonderful woman for OVER 50 years!! that's a long fucking time! and they seemed so playful and genuinely in love.. like in a random song they played a few years ago after decades of relationships and touring and substance abuse, he'd sing a line that was clearly about her, and play footsies onstage briefly and they'd smile at each other and it seemed like they were saying without saying "we did it. we proved them all wrong. rock n roll is real and love is real."
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Born in Las Vegas, Cole started his career as a member of '60s psychedelic garage-rock band The Weeds, who later changed their name to The Lollipop Shoppe. The band released only four singles and two albums during its short career, but its song "You Must Be A Witch" is prized among collectors thanks to its inclusion on the 1980 garage-rock compilation Pebbles, Vol. 8.

After relocating to Portland in the mid-'60s, Cole met his future wife, Kathleen "Toody" Conner, when she was working the door at a local venue. They married in 1967, and spent the next two decades in Alaska and the Portland suburb of Clackamas, Oregon, raising their three children and forming various bands.

In 1987, Fred and Toody Cole formed what would become their most well-known and longstanding collaboration, blues-influenced garage-punk band Dead Moon, with drummer Andrew Loomis. Although Dead Moon never broke through to the mainstream—and didn't really want to—they were staples of the Pacific Northwest punk scene and boasted a cult following in Europe. The many garage-punk bands that came after them, like Black Lips and Jay Reatard, as well as grungy Pacific Northwest acts like Mudhoney and Pearl Jam, are all in Dead Moon's stylistic debt.

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so everything they did is really good but if you wanna find a good place to get a diverse mix of his stuff (and I've posted something along these lines over the years because i'm a huge fan, dead moon ink on my arm and all'a that for emphasis, but anyhow, this is from a great blog,http://www.remoteoutposts.blogspot.com , greg harvesters, and he compiled the best dead moon stuff (or at least just all ragers and beauties because it's almost impossible to pick a favorite) alongside other gems over the years from misc. bands of there's..

http://www.maximumrocknroll.com/mrr-radio-1583-5-1/

http://www.maximumrocknroll.com/mrr-radio-1583-5-2/

Enjoy. but like, actually do it, because you will. enjoy it that is.

Isn't it kind f weird how the stuff about Chris came out right before this started happening on a huge scale? I feel like it shows how movements are kind of inevitable or something...like growing out of the wave of society and not spurred by one individual. I don't know

I was thinking the exact same thing the other day. It was weird timing. I guess the flood gates couldnt hold

with this rapid and relentless succession of people coming out i'm sad to say i'm more surprised if someone turns out to be a decent human being

Anyone ever read blood meridian?

The book covers the life long bond they have into adulthood.. but the part of their childhood that the new movie covered is pretty accurate to the book.

I feel sort of ashamed but I was reading the NOFX book, Hepatitis Bathtub, which I surprisely really liked. Such a sad book, though.

i'd like to read it. I'll always love NOFX

http://trib.al/nl2t0iq

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yeVIaVm-Plg

As far as sad and shitty news one of the guys from dear landlord is up on murder charges after selling dope to someone who overdosed. Supposedly he's the "Chris clavin of heroin" according to people on facebook. Whatever the fuck that means. Pretty sad for him and the victims family

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR2gR6SZC2M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17ojc1kuHNk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzIjBYu6NQ0

this estonian soul from the early 80's is crazy too.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEb68L-3UWY

yeah he tours constantly. it's pretty cool. i'm glad i'm the only fuck up in my family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_36KRMbtIQE

the best line from troll 2 in 5 languages someone might like

Yeah. Dick tattoos

nice song

LSD and folk punk at an impressionable age