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[pronetoaccidents]

okay so i posted this in the Louie thread but thought i'd expand on my thoughts about it or put it somewhere else more appropriate..
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okay so i wanted some genuine opinions on this one.. I've been thinking about everything that has come to light and the repulsion i feel towards the world that seems almost hopeless in its wretchedness (sorry to sound almost old testament like) and it's made me think about myself. I always try to look at myself. I'm going to admit things that I'm not proud of. Things I didn't think much about at the time because heavy drug use was a factor (and i don't say this to even go fishing for an iota of an excuse, i only mention it because all it did was keep me from looking at myself after the fact.) I'm learning a lot about consent, I'm learning a lot about a lot of things. and all that comes to mind for myself are these random instances.. being much younger, like 12, 13 when I first became interested in bodily pleasure, etc, you know it, you've all been thru it. however, I remember keeping my ears open to whomever was considered the "slut" at the time (and i cringe even thinking about this or talking like this because i'm referring to a child now when i describe this, even though we were the same age at the time) and I would actively seek them out knowing they were very easy. now I can see that there's a strong chance that if they were promiscuous at that age there's a very strong chance that they either had cripplingly low self esteem and thought that's what it would take for a guy, someone, anyone to like them and/or there was sexual abuse?

is it wrong for me to assume that those were the only two options? I don't know. I'm willing to admit I'm far from an expert and I'm only posting this and asking because I always try to learn. to strive to be a better individual in the moment and foreseeable future.

of course I never forced myself on them, only sought out those that I knew would be almost tragically easy.

I don't know. it's just on my mind. this might be totally irrelevant but when I think about it, if someone wasn't interested, and didn't NOT consent explicitly, perhaps were too embarrassed or ashamed or for whatever reason didn't verbalize that, does it diminish anything?

There was also times when i was with a woman who I was using drugs with.. (okay, and this I am VERY disgusted with myself in hindsight. ).. and after a night of indulgence as the sun was coming up, she begged my dealer, whom we were hanging out with, the 3 of us, for more drugs. he declined since all the money had worn out. She offered sexual services in exchange for them. Despite the fact that she had offered, she wouldn't of had to if the situation was somewhat different, and it was very clear it wasn't something she wanted to do. I didn't interject at the time, I didn't pull my dealer aside and say that's fucked up, she clearly has a problem, give her something if she's that desperate, etc.. I let them do what they did. I thought at the time there was nothing I could do to stop an addict when they're mind is set (and I still somewhat maintain that being an addict at heart, although in recovery) yet still, I should have tried..

I hope these aren't terrible examples. I hope I don't seem like a piece of shit. i dunno. the world is sad and confusing and I'm trying to learn more and more each day.

I just thought it might be a nice idea to vent if anyone has any guilt over questionable things of the past, present, etc.