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[rory]

It seems like all 5 of us left are into this function, but it's hard to really say.

The last week and a half for me has been a total blur. I caught my bandmate and my partner together. My partnership has been going on for 6 years, with a 6 month or so break as we adjusted to a polyamorous structure. A pretty simple part of the structure is just to talk about who we're interested in etc. but this fellow's name never came up. Had it, I would have probably expressed how that is a bad idea, as he was in a decidedly very monogamous partnership for the last 5 years. It also could be awkward and messy as he was in two bands with two different partners of hers - but that aspect was more workable with good communication.

This whole thing had been going on for some time, and it's all quite related to both of them revving up their drinking over the last 6 months. What is really eating me up inside is I had my suspicions and doubts about my bandmate, and felt that maybe he was being purposefully a flirty / lusty character in a way to just be kind of mean to his partner. I should have called him on it and I should have told her. I feel gross for taking this guy on tour and for working on this band that meant so much to me for 5 years. Now that this is out in the open, I see some of his behavior as being totally manipulative and taking advantage of people, and he was never one to take criticism well, so it was hard to call him on small things.

Both of these folks live in my house, which has been an active punk house for over 6 years. I have 3 more shows to finish out (with my bandmate being asked to not be around for any of them), and plan to take a good hiatus. I don't know what to do about living with my former partner and former bandmate. He is going through an accountability process, which is primarily led by me, but the whole thing is painful and I don't know how much progress one can really make. Do people change? Part of my hope is in that both of them are quitting drinking. My ex cut it out immediately, because she's that way, but this guy is going to need some focused attention and guidance - which I am so far providing a bit of. While sobriety is probably a key element in this, it's not the whole story.

Though I've been booking bands at my house for 6 years, I've been feeling quite tired of it. It's something I'm good at, but it's mostly given people where I live the impression that I am sort of an unfun go-getter. People like that I do what I do and appreciate it, but they don't really like me. I've been feeling like easing myself out of it, but the band kept me where I'm at. It seemed totally worth it. It was the only thing keeping me going. The only drive in my life. It was the reason to keep the house, keep booking shows, keep my dead-end job. Without it, I feel completely and totally lost - and I'm so angry that a careless drunk friend being a manipulative creep has taken this away from me. I could deal with it if it was my own fault, but it's hard to watch as your high opinions of your closest friends and confidants peels away, and takes all your art with it.


This is probably a jumbled mess. My life has been a fog since the 9th, and whenever I can finally stop thinking about this mess that my life is, all I can think about is how the whole world is burning - or soon will be.

What keeps you all going?

[GrownFolk]

Sorry to hear this.  It sucks when the people you're closest too in life hurt you.  A good friend, who had a harder life than anyone I've ever met once told me, "when things seem to be as bad as it can get, it can only get better".  I still live by that code and always remind myself when things get really shitty...it can only get better.  Don't let them take away the things you really enjoy in life, booking shows, etc.  However, if you are truly growing tired of that maybe it's time to try something new?  Only you can make that decision and a lot of it has to fall on what you're going to move forward towards.  Overall, I just wanted to say keep your head up, things will get better!

[momitsnowme]

I'm sorry Rory. That all sounds really shitty. <3

[Joe]

Sad to hear you are going through a tough one, Rory. 

As far as what keeps me going?   

A mantra prioritized in this order:

• Physical health - No matter how shitty I feel, I can still take nice deep breaths, drink water, do some yoga, and live to fight another day
• Mental health -  A positive mindset. Pain isn't a weakness, it's awareness. Facing the pain is the only way to process it and get to the other side, and that process takes however long it takes and that's ok.
• Future health - Spending my time and money in a way that will create positive growth for myself, and in turn, my community.

I've always appreciated your hustle, Rory.  I can't speak to the actions and intentions of your ex and your bandmate. People change when they see it is to their benefit. Sometimes it is positive and sometimes it is manipulative.

[skateandannoy]

I'm so sorry Rory.

I try to focus on the stuff I love to do and try to learn something new to keep me distracted. I miss seeing your drawings, maybe spending some time with pencil in hand would be therapeutic?

[rory]

Drawing more is part of my plan.

After this weekend I don't have any more shows at my house - most likely for the rest of the year. Without a tour to book or shows to run, I will soon be deactivating my facebook and spending a lot of time on myself. I plan to post more art stuff on my tumblr, and maybe if I get excited about some things, share them here!

I have a darkroom set up at a partner's house, but as of right now most of my photos that I love are of people who hurt me deeply. I need to take more photos to feel good about.

I also have a good friend who moved to Denmark, and we have plans to work on music together remotely, just sending things back and forth to add onto. I hope it happens.

[hatmoose]

what's the darkroom like? i only know a little bit about that kind of stuff but i would love to read whatever you care to write about it

you should post other art stuff too if you feel like it

[rory]

Darkrooms are super simple! For black and white photo at least, I have never seen a color lab, but everything I've heard is that you can't really makeshift set them up in your home like b+w.

I bought my two enlargers and pretty much everything else I needed on craigslist for really cheap. Where ever you live, this stuff is bound to pop up.

For developing, you just need the developing dank / a light bag (or a completely light proofed room), the chemicals (developer / stop bath (which you can use distilled white vinegar as apparently?) / fixer) and running water. You put the film in the developing tank in total darkness, then run the chemicals through it in order with specified time, rinse, and your film should be good! Though it is super simple, it's nerve wracking, because unlike printing, if you screw it up there's no going back.

For printing you need a light proof room and red lights, photo paper, the enlarger, trays / tongs for your chemicals, running water or just a way to run water over the photo (like a water bottle and a bucket), and a spot to dry things. The chemicals are the same as for the film, and you also go in that order, but it's in open trays instead of in a little tank. The enlarger is what you put your negatives (developed film) onto, and it projects it. You project it for a certain amount of tine / certain aperture setting (how much light is passing through) to produce a desired result. Do as many trials as needed until desired results, varying time and aperture, but after awhile you get a sense for it depending on where you shot / what film you used. The photo paper cannot be exposed to light until the image is fixed (has gone through all the chemicals).

I did this stuff in high school, and a couple times for as just personal hobby stuff. Being in the darkroom is a peaceful experience for me. Working in a crammed little dark cave with just some music and some simple goals in mind is really nice. When I've got some new photos I'm happy about I'll show you all! I have to admit that I'm not actually a very good photographer, but it's a hobby I've on and off enjoyed aspects of, so I try not to dwell on that fact so much. It's more about the process for me than the result much of the time.

[hatmoose]

thank you! i've always wanted to try to set up something like that but i don't really have the space right now, i love hearing about it though. i could also use a dark cave and some type of goal, i know what you mean