QUIT THAT SHIT, BRETT.
But yeah, I've been on meds that are actually working for the past few months and it's made this recent depressive episode way less intense than usual. Still depressed, but only in the "I just want to watch netflix and sleep all day" sense, rather than having suicidal thoughts. Seems kind of odd, but I'm pretty stoked on only being a little depressed.
i've tried just about every antidepressant and while my depression fluctuated from wanting to die every second, to wanting to die a few times a day, to wanting to die now and then. however after losing my mother, losing friends, reading about death constantly it makes me appreciate certain little things.. stepping outside and seeing the wind rustle the leaves on a tree. going to a pet store and playing with a puppy..
i look for little things to hold on to. i clutch them until i'm white knuckled. music helps. finding new bands, knowing i can spend the rest of my life searching and digging as deep as i wanna and i'll never find em all. always in search of the perfect band..
i'm currently on wellbutrin, abilify, serequel, klonopin and methadone. It dulls the edges of my constant depression. I suppose I will always be, and always have, a melancholy perspective. It's been hard to tell if it's from a chemical imbalance or just circumstantial factors because my life has been far from ideal for as long as i can recall (as i'm sure most peoples are).. I wonder if everyone struggles with just being a person. a sentient being in a world that hurtles past me, colliding with setbacks when things finally seem to be fitting neatly into place.
at the end of the day, despite suicidal idealizations, i want to stick around. i want to see what the future brings for me, for humanity, etc. for all i know life just starts right over again. the light at the end of the tunnel might be the end of the urethra, and you're a sperm about to find the egg and start over in a drastically different existence. perhaps the cycle doesn't end until you learn to truly forgive and love. maybe there's never darkness, never that peace i dream of often. drugs don't work and haven't for awhile. i don't know, i suppose i'll keep smoking my cigarettes, drinking my coffee, making my stupid little comics and writing lists of tattoos i'll probably not get around to getting. For now Tarot has been helping me put the chaotic uncertainty of the cosmos into a neat little spread before me.