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General Category => General => Topic started by: Anna Karina on August 11, 2014, 11:58:13 PM

Title: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on August 11, 2014, 11:58:13 PM
Been real emotional lately. I should be happy because my best friend from college is finally coming out to visit next month after me trying to convince him for six years. But lately I've had this incredibly heavy feeling that something absolutely dreadful is going to happen in the next few months. Feels like those cartoons where a cloud just constantly pours down on you and no one else.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on August 12, 2014, 12:00:01 AM
I just choked up during a damn episode of Hotel Hell.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Rapture Ready Blowhard on August 12, 2014, 01:35:52 PM
I've been feeling weird and depressed too.  I think part of it is that I'm on the job hunt again and that always makes me feel anxious and inadequate, and part of it is just a (sort of well-founded) feeling that my life is passing me by and that I'm basically treading water in a place that I don't particularly care for.

Hope you feel better, dude.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Phitney on August 12, 2014, 03:18:40 PM
I've been feeling a bit down, as well. I'm in this rural area and I hate it. I spend way too much time at home. I recently ran into friends from high school that are still here but all they want to do is drink 40s in the park. I'm kind of trying to stay away from drinking and just things that are bad for me to consume anyway because I've gained weight this year.

I just had an opportunity present itself to move to Virginia Beach and I've already told them I'll move. I haven't yet told my family or my derby league/ref crew. They're not going to be happy about it. I just can't keep living here. My grandma has been keeping tabs on me and after 8 years of living on my own, I can't handle it. I had to text her to let her know I was staying with a friend last weekend and the next day she just kept asking questions and prying. It's causing too much stress. I love my family to death, but I'm not used to people prying into every aspect of my personal life anymore.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on August 12, 2014, 08:01:07 PM
VIRGINIA BEACH!? Let's be best friends.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: murray on August 13, 2014, 03:12:10 AM
I've been really bummed out because Monday I found out a friend died who I had sat next to, worked with, and exchanged thoughts and jokes with for the passed two years.  Unfortunately no one I can tell gave a shit and all the buzz is about Robin Williams and how great of a friend he is to everyone on and off the internet.  Maybe this bothers me because I'm sensitive right now.  Or maybe it's because I'm tired of rich, privileged celebrities getting more attention than youth being shot up by cops in the city I live.

Or maybe I just miss my friend :(
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: AaronTheCabe on August 13, 2014, 09:07:48 AM
Fuck all.
No more sleeping, no more living
thousand miles away
Always leaving
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on August 13, 2014, 08:31:53 PM
I realize I'm really lucky in that I'm still on my mom's fairly good health insurance until the end of the year, and can afford stupidly high co-pays when necessary.

With that said, I really wish that some of y'all would seek psychiatric help if you're able to do so. To some, it feels like giving up. To me, it's admitting that for the time being, things are too rough to handle without professional help. I'd rather not put my whole story out there on the internet, but if anyone needs someone to talk to who's recently been through hell, you're more than welcome to PM me.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Phitney on August 14, 2014, 08:01:49 PM
VIRGINIA BEACH!? Let's be best friends.

Oh man! Are you living there? This is gonna be awesome!
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on August 16, 2014, 05:06:57 AM
I'll be your neighbor in Norfolk! It's only about 20 minutes to most places in Virginia Beach from here, and I'm over there all the time. Yayyyy!
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Phitney on August 17, 2014, 03:27:02 PM
Ahhh yayyy!! We should hang at the beach and wherever else is cool to go! I'm excited. Now I'll know two people there!
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: rory on August 31, 2014, 09:25:49 PM
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and everything seems so useless.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Joe on September 01, 2014, 01:22:39 AM
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and everything seems so useless.

ditto. I know the feeling will pass, and then I will begin to feel stoic about it, and then that will lead to feeling at the top of the world, and then for whatever reason I'll return to depression.

The biggest existential thorn-in-my-side as of late, is not having anyone to talk about big philosophical stuff with... or even little philosophical stuff, I guess.  Its not that I want to make everything a big deal, but right now I feel like every conversation is a list of someone's daily activities, which are usually a repeat of yesterday's activities.

maybe I'm just a fart head.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: michaelcopeland on October 14, 2014, 08:10:47 PM
I know this thread died a while ago, but I'm not feeling well and need to complain. I think I'm an alcoholic, also I may be homeless soon. I want to go back to college but I dropped out twice already. Also I don't really enjoy things like playing music nearly as much as I used to.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Joe on October 15, 2014, 09:25:48 AM
this thread will never die, and you are using it appropriately.  depression is a mother fucker.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: tinybitsofheart on October 16, 2014, 04:11:43 PM
i guess i've struggled with something like depression for years now. it's not getting any better and this time of year is always a real killer so i finally went to the doctor and he started me off on a small dose of lexapro so we'll see where that goes

i never know if i'm "actually" depressed or if i need to make some major lifestyle changes (not that those are always easy or possible to do, but still)
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: michaelcopeland on October 16, 2014, 05:30:53 PM
Sometimes a lifestyle change really can pull you out of a depression. I think i get the most depressed when I stay in one place for two long. I have 2 shows coming up so I guess I have some time to prepare, but after that I think I'm packing my bag, putting my thumb out, and getting back on the road for a while.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: rory on October 16, 2014, 07:45:21 PM
I seem to have all kinds of friends casually, but when it comes down to seeking out time with anyone specifically, I am filled with anxiety and sadness, not a list of people I can count on.

Drinking by myself and getting up the gumption to bug people on facebook hasn't even panned out positively.

Sometimes I feel like I'm reverting 3 years back. Some days even further. I feel like I distanced myself from a lot of dumb petty behavior, and it's all coming right back now that my life isn't so structured and my partner is away. I'm a 25 year old acting like a 22 year old that was immature for their age.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on October 18, 2014, 07:49:56 AM
at random times during random days I start crying for a few moments when I'm alone. usually I stepped off the job to smoke a cigarette, or I think about how my mom died so young, or that one day my girlfriend will die and I will die and so will everyone. then I usually break out laughing a little bit after. most of my life is sadness and that's why I appreciate the little vacations from time to time.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: AaronTheCabe on October 18, 2014, 07:01:37 PM
I don't think i cry enough
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on December 01, 2014, 01:26:12 AM
Ugh.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on December 01, 2014, 01:39:45 AM
.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on December 01, 2014, 01:40:43 AM
.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on December 01, 2014, 01:48:19 AM
.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on December 01, 2014, 11:19:48 AM
sadness. meloncholy. regret. chemicals. that's the weather as of late on my end.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: CrackyMcCrackerson on December 01, 2014, 01:10:02 PM
I should be happy.  I have a job and a car, I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me more than anything and shows me every day.  I make shit money but I scrape by and I want for nothing(except for all kind of guitars that I salivate over).

But my hearing is progressively getting worse. At the age of 28 I have a congenital hearing loss and Ménière's disease which can cause vertigo that can last up to 4 hours.  Last time it happened at work and the room just started spinning and I had pretty wicked motion sickness and I threw up for a couple hours.  Doctors say that it is hard to tell when an attack will come but they happen once a year or so and I've been having anxiety attacks when I think they might be coming on. I have constant tinnitus which sounds like a whooshing or dull roaring which shows that I'm losing the lower frequency hearing.  I've learned to live with it because it used to be just be in spurts but it is now perpetually there.  Playing music and listening to music saved my life and is still very important to me and to know that the ability to enjoy it is slipping away from me is killing me.

I've been having anxiety attacks at work where I have to concentrate on breathing.  My extremities will tingle and my face burns.  I tend to go to the bathroom and throw water of my face and wait for it to pass.  This happens at least once or twice a day.  They aren't that bad but they still suck.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on December 02, 2014, 07:22:56 AM
I'm sorry that you're plagued with such uncomfortable physical and emotional pain. are you on/open to medication? It obviously couldn't cure the condition but would at least alleviate the more debilitating symptoms.

It's great that music is so therapeutic for you. It has saved my life as well, a many a time, and i'm sure it will continue to do so, again and again, until my life is beyond saving and my time has come.

By the way, I don't think I've made your digital acquaintance Mr. (Mr.s?) CrackyMcCrackerson. My name is ryan.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: CrackyMcCrackerson on December 02, 2014, 09:35:05 AM
Hi Ryan,

I'm mostly a lurker here.  I'm from Dallas.  I'm a Mr.  My name Chris.  There might be a few Chris's here so it might be easier to refer to me, on here at least, as Cracky.  My name doesn't mean anything, it just a variation of "crackinthewall" username  I used since I was 17.

My ears are pretty good today, I can't decide if I want to fuck them up by blastin Deafheaven today or not.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on December 03, 2014, 07:42:08 AM
I'm a big supporter of doing irrevocable damage to the ear drums while you're young. blast away! it's a lot of fun, it drowns out the world, and it takes away the pain for the time being, for me at least, to listen to something so obnoxiously loud. it's proven, by ya know, science and stuff, that ya can't think about two things at the same time. so if you are listening to Aus Rotten with headphones at such a face melting ferocity it stops you from thinking about the fact that people die, even the seemingly truest of loves withers in your very hand and almost in the blink of an eye, crumbles to sand and dust and is gone just as quickly as it came.

 so yeah, put off your problems with sonic bombardment! unless of course it's something really serious and ya wanna talk to someone. than that's a different story. deeper than the regular day to day woes that plague us sentient folks.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on December 03, 2014, 03:31:44 PM
I'm sorry you're having to deal with Meneire's at such an early age, Cracky. My mom has severe vertigo (which they thought at first was Meneire's) and it's awful :(.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: momitsnowme on December 03, 2014, 10:30:03 PM
Chris, I noticed you mentioned focusing on your breathing and tingly limbs. I learned a couple years ago that tingly limbs can be one of the symptoms of hyperventilating. Focusing on your breathing is great but maybe next time you can notice if you're doing it in a way that is making you feel more anxious. There are lots of really great mindfulness meditations online that are abiut noticing your breath without doing anything to change it that have been really helpful for me.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on December 27, 2014, 01:14:48 AM
Getting ridiculously drunk, dealing with multi-generational bipolar problems, then reading letters from my first girlfriend who died at 15 is not my best moment in recent memory.

I saw her parents earlier tonight and found out her younger sister would like to read my letters to better understand her. I want to say yes but goddamn it's such a personal request I don't know how to handle it. Other than deciding to read every single letter/the obituary/letters from her parents after her passing.

Tomorrow I get to wake up and deal with bipolar shitty relatives who have purposely attacked my sister and mom for the past decade and put all the blame on them for the terrible shit they've done. Kinda wanna go back to LA right now.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: rory on February 10, 2015, 02:40:37 PM
I've been freaking out the last few days where everything either makes me sad or it makes me angry.

I had to leave work early because I was too volatile.

I cannot handle anything and no one knows what to do with me. Moreover I don't know what to do with me.

Everything feels pointless and horrible. Every nice thing people try and do just makes me cry and everything else makes me fucking irritated.

I need some kind of reliable outlet for this but I don't want to subject anyone to me and my shit.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Phitney on February 10, 2015, 06:23:34 PM
My boss and company are such lying, manipulative assholes. I don't understand how people like that get by in this world. Sometimes I feel like I fall into this pit while I'm working where I feel like since I've been putting up with this bullshit for so long, I can't do any better. The pay is shit and I've been working hard when they dangle benefits like "health insurance," "paid time off," "holiday pay," "401(k)," and "commission" in front of me. Whenever the project is done, though, it's always the same: "Oh, we're still working on it." or "Oh, we've decided we're not doing that at this time." There are no benefits and you just get shit on and sidelined. That's what my company does. And then the CEO has the fucking audacity to say how he wants us to be "successful" and "not just scrape by, living paycheck to paycheck, but be financially successful" because he "wants the best for all of us" because we are his "family." It's all bullshit. My company breaks labor laws, does shady business, and flat out lies. I know this. I want out.

So why the can't I muster up the motivation some days to apply for jobs and change my situation? Why do I keep feeling like I can't do any better? Why do I feel like I'm not worth being able to get a job where I can actually use my physics degree? When people find out about my degree, they're all, "Oh wow, you must have a really great career! Such a useful degree!" when I just want to slap them and tell them to shut the fuck up because I've been struggling for the past 3 years that I've been out of college and things aren't looking up.

But I'm struggling because I don't put forth the effort. I don't put forth the effort because somehow I convince myself that it's useless. I worry that my self esteem has just plummeted since I've been working this job for the past year and a half or whatever.

Anyone have any ideas for getting and staying motivated?
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on February 11, 2015, 03:37:38 AM
Anyone have any ideas for getting and staying motivated?
Do the opposite of everything I do.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: AaronTheCabe on February 13, 2015, 06:00:08 PM
aye
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: rory on February 13, 2015, 10:46:34 PM
losing my grip on reality and compromising some of the only good things in my life WOOOOOO
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: kaywhyelleee on February 15, 2015, 09:58:48 PM
Hey, all. I don't post here much, if I ever did at all. But I just read through this thread and wanted to offer all of you what little thing this is:

(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcfenmm5jg1rj6pi1o1_400.gif)

I have my own struggle with depression and I know how much it hurts but I think you're all much better people than you think you are. I know this random kid on the internet isn't going to change your opinion much, but I just wanted to throw something out there. I hope you're all okay.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: lovelyseaside on February 18, 2015, 01:09:52 PM
I don't put forth the effort because somehow I convince myself that it's useless. I worry that my self esteem has just plummeted since I've been working this job for the past year and a half or whatever.

i feel y'all on this. i have been seeing a therapist weekly the past couple of months. i am fairly certain i've cried at least 200+ days in 2014. working, making schedules/'routines' have been helping. ( something as small as lighting a candle, putting on fun music, and sitting with my coffee/book)  i have recently started 5htp and will let ya guys know how it works out for me. i have been off medication for about 2 years now so i really hope this is helpful otherwise i might be seeing my psychiatrist again.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: dakotafloyd on February 19, 2015, 11:16:37 PM
Finally made a big step and had a consultation with a therapist the other day.  Seems like I'm gonna be trying that anti-depressants game, which is pretty scary to me, but I'm trying to go into it optimistically.  Fingers crossed.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: disa on February 20, 2015, 08:32:34 AM
I quit my job that was causing me a lot of stress and anxiety and have a new one that I like better, at least now that I'm three weeks in. I've been feeling pretty positive lately which gives me hope that I might finally be able to go off the anti-depressants that I've been on for over two years!
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Aaron on February 21, 2015, 06:46:17 PM
The times are a changing pretty rapidly these days, but stay punk, don't take crap, and never stop rebelling against mainstream cultural conditioning!  It takes more effort when you're too old to go to diy shows or whatever every weekend, but really, however you do it, it'll help you.  Not everything is your fault, so be careful what you internalize...Stay strong pixers <3
Title: depression thread
Post by: Gelka on March 02, 2015, 01:59:57 AM
So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: jer on March 02, 2015, 10:13:49 AM
So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

Uh, did I miss something? It doesn't look like any one here is discussing if others have depression or not.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: kw on March 02, 2015, 02:47:49 PM
So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

um... what?
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: michaelcopeland on March 03, 2015, 07:39:31 PM
I still haven't made any progress on my alcoholism, but I think I'm learning to accept it. I also have a pretty okay job and I'm learning to drink only on my off days (I work 12 hour shifts so half of my days are off days) so I guess you could maybe call that progress (but at the same time, I drink more than ever because now I can afford it). I drank a bottle of McCormick and a bottle of Everclear in 2 days and the whole time was a blur, I said and did a lot of stuff I really regret. Including messaging an ex and they made me feel really guilty and like a piece of shit (I can't decide if I deserve that or not). I like my job here but I still have no friends. I now make 16 dollars an hour (which I think is pretty good), but I feel so lonely all the time and i question if it's even worth it.

 I've basically given up on my own music, even thought it's so important to me, I've just gotten so tired of that feeling of rejection. I've tried more to focus on other people's music and trying to help friends. I used to always think that I was so special and that my music deserved to be heard over others. I think I'm finding out otherwise.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: dakotafloyd on March 03, 2015, 09:39:55 PM
I've basically given up on my own music, even thought it's so important to me, I've just gotten so tired of that feeling of rejection. I've tried more to focus on other people's music and trying to help friends. I used to always think that I was so special and that my music deserved to be heard over others. I think I'm finding out otherwise.

Have you ever considered that this might be part of you growing as an artist?  I feel like it's good to be self-critical to an extent.  My friend Adam said it this way, “If you’re not grappling with self-doubt half the time, you’ve probably lost perspective. The confident ones give us the worst and most lifeless bullshit.”

I've definitely gone through phases where I've thought my music was garbage.  In fact, I feel that way more often than not, but I still think it's good to share it, because it's honest and maybe someone can relate and feel a little less alone because of it.  I've taken breaks from music.  I didn't even look at, let alone touch my guitar for weeks at a time.  I was really frustrated at myself for feeling this way, but eventually the motivation just started coming back.  I had to re-prioritize / re-evaluate some things in my life before that happened, but I'm currently feeling a lot better at my music and art as a whole, even though I definitely still know that I have a lot of room for improvements.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: michaelcopeland on March 04, 2015, 12:35:34 PM
That's definitely something to think about. What a great quote by the way. I don't think I could ever actually quit music for good, I just take breaks from it as well. I always end up coming back to it because it's always been my main form of therapy.

Your music is awesome by the way, Dakota!
Title: depression thread
Post by: Gelka on March 05, 2015, 08:53:59 AM
So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: jer on March 05, 2015, 09:38:34 AM
well, this is an odd bot.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on March 05, 2015, 02:33:53 PM
lol
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: AaronTheCabe on March 05, 2015, 06:43:22 PM
I've basically given up on my own music, even thought it's so important to me, I've just gotten so tired of that feeling of rejection. I've tried more to focus on other people's music and trying to help friends. I used to always think that I was so special and that my music deserved to be heard over others. I think I'm finding out otherwise.

Have you ever considered that this might be part of you growing as an artist?  I feel like it's good to be self-critical to an extent.  My friend Adam said it this way, “If you’re not grappling with self-doubt half the time, you’ve probably lost perspective. The confident ones give us the worst and most lifeless bullshit.”

I've definitely gone through phases where I've thought my music was garbage.  In fact, I feel that way more often than not, but I still think it's good to share it, because it's honest and maybe someone can relate and feel a little less alone because of it.  I've taken breaks from music.  I didn't even look at, let alone touch my guitar for weeks at a time.  I was really frustrated at myself for feeling this way, but eventually the motivation just started coming back.  I had to re-prioritize / re-evaluate some things in my life before that happened, but I'm currently feeling a lot better at my music and art as a whole, even though I definitely still know that I have a lot of room for improvements.

i think this is true for Michael as i have personally listened to his music (and yours dakota) many many times. sometimes though we get caught up in this whole "there's something special in everyone" rubbish. i worked so hard to have music that no one likes, poetry that i used to think was better than T.S. Eliot shrugged at, and prose that the greatest compliment my GSU writing professor gave me was along the lines of "well  you come up with interesting ideas" the least that was said to anyone in my particular class. i have some barbituates i really want to take the whole bottle of but i'm just sick )literally feverish)  and sad and won't. sometimes people aren't that great. we really aren't created equally
Title: depression thread
Post by: Gelka on March 07, 2015, 04:47:51 AM
So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on March 07, 2015, 05:14:13 AM
So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.
God.... DAMMIT!
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: jer on March 08, 2015, 12:15:59 PM
okay well that was fun for a second but now we have to get rid of this thing. Bye, Gelka.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: BlakeK on March 08, 2015, 01:36:27 PM
Gelka sure knows how to quit bring the shit when it comes to depression.

Anytime anyone comes up with hard hitting, thought provoking questions and analysis such as Gelka, Jer shuts them down. What a fascist.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: dakotafloyd on March 08, 2015, 08:52:20 PM
Now I'll take that with some toast.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: jer on March 09, 2015, 08:45:55 AM
I'm not touching this, not even with a sweater made of R2D2
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: jeffjeffington on March 11, 2015, 02:46:24 PM
at random times during random days I start crying for a few moments when I'm alone. usually I stepped off the job to smoke a cigarette, or I think about how my mom died so young, or that one day my girlfriend will die and I will die and so will everyone. then I usually break out laughing a little bit after. most of my life is sadness and that's why I appreciate the little vacations from time to time.


yeah man, i go thru the same thing, sometimes i go through weeks of feeling like i have to cry every morning in order to feel "normal".  sometimes it hits when im with friends or family and i just try to hide it.  i used to cut, but havent in a while, i still get that urge sometimes and fight it off....im kinda scared what that might do to me.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: BlakeK on March 12, 2015, 07:28:16 PM
I feel like we have a very open group of people on here. I think that other boards have just as many people dealing with depression but probably don't talk about it. At first I was thinking we should win an award for most depressed and neurotic message board but after thinking of all the nutty boards out there, I just think we are just more open about our mental health. I have been doing pretty well with my depression the last 8 months but prior to that it was a tough 19 years.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: kaywhyelleee on March 14, 2015, 07:05:05 PM
I've been having a particular hard few months recently. I tend towards spirals of self-loathing, but this has been the longest-lasting so far. My best friend and roommate keeps telling me to go see a therapist, or at least our school's personal counseling office, but instead I've just stopped telling her anything because I just don't want to do that. I've always tended to see my depression as very passive; I still get done what I need to get done, but I dunno. That's where I'm at right now. I hope you're all doing okay.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: rory on May 28, 2015, 10:19:21 PM
I feel like I am incapable of establishing meaningful relationships with new people.

And that everything is just sort of happening around me.

And that I structured my life around something that no longer gives back to me or that I can no longer meaningfully contribute to.

I made one friend in the last several months, and they are moving away soon. And probably that wont be a big deal to them but it's a hell of a bummer for me. And we weren't even that close. I just was happy to find someone kind going through similar things as me.

Also as usual gender is fucked up. I kind of think that I'll never do this thing right. Or if I do I will become even more estranged from the remaining good people in my life.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on October 31, 2015, 11:37:22 PM
My dad had a heart attack last night. He seems to be doing fine now.

I am not coping well, especially with being almost 2,000 miles away from my family and very literally incapable of doing anything to help.

Everyone's out celebrating probably my favorite holiday and I loathe all of them. I need to do something to preoccupy my thoughts, but I can't concentrate on the things I'm doing enough for it to work.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: momitsnowme on November 01, 2015, 10:02:56 AM
ugh, Brett, I'm sorry. I hate being far away from my family during big stuff. It really sucks.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on November 02, 2015, 11:04:55 AM
i'm upset to hear about the situation but very happy that he seems to be okay. i hope for only the best
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on November 25, 2015, 12:36:29 AM
Thanks for the concern. Sorry I never followed up.  He seems to be doing fine and my parents are apparently vacationing in their usual spot in Mexico for Thanksgiving, so hopefully they're having a good time.

I feel like I should post on the board more and I feel bad for forgetting to reply to stuff so often.  I get stuck inside a world within my head and forget that I haven't actually responded to people.

I'm in a constant state of trying to escape my depression and it always seems to catch up in one way or another, and it's completely overwhelming.  I try to be happy and I think most of my friends think I am, but I mostly just feel numb at this point.  The only thing that really affects me is the notion of my parents outliving me and having to deal with the results.  Instead I just continue down a steady downward spiral.  I don't think I'll make it into my 40s and I'm not sure if I'm frightened or relieved about that.

I probably shouldn't be posting any of this. Happy Thanksgiving.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on November 25, 2015, 11:00:48 AM
i'm feeling pretty shitty.. i don't feel i'll ever find anyone that i'll love as much as my ex. i don't think i could be myself around anyone else, my real self.. she was my best friend.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Anna Karina on May 02, 2016, 12:09:31 AM
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Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on May 02, 2016, 06:39:17 PM
QUIT THAT SHIT, BRETT.

But yeah, I've been on meds that are actually working for the past few months and it's made this recent depressive episode way less intense than usual. Still depressed, but only in the "I just want to watch netflix and sleep all day" sense, rather than having suicidal thoughts. Seems kind of odd, but I'm pretty stoked on only being a little depressed.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on May 03, 2016, 08:28:40 AM
QUIT THAT SHIT, BRETT.

But yeah, I've been on meds that are actually working for the past few months and it's made this recent depressive episode way less intense than usual. Still depressed, but only in the "I just want to watch netflix and sleep all day" sense, rather than having suicidal thoughts. Seems kind of odd, but I'm pretty stoked on only being a little depressed.

i've tried just about every antidepressant and while my depression fluctuated from wanting to die every second, to wanting to die a few times a day, to wanting to die now and then. however after losing my mother, losing friends, reading about death constantly it makes me appreciate certain little things.. stepping outside and seeing the wind rustle the leaves on a tree. going to a pet store and playing with a puppy..

i look for little things to hold on to. i clutch them until i'm white knuckled. music helps. finding new bands, knowing i can spend the rest of my life searching and digging as deep as i wanna and i'll never find em all. always in search of the perfect band..

i'm currently on wellbutrin, abilify, serequel, klonopin and methadone. It dulls the edges of my constant depression. I suppose I will always be, and always have, a melancholy perspective. It's been hard to tell if it's from a chemical imbalance or just circumstantial factors because my life has been far from ideal for as long as i can recall (as i'm sure most peoples are).. I wonder if everyone struggles with just being a person. a sentient being in a world that hurtles past me, colliding with  setbacks when things finally seem to be fitting neatly into place.

at the end of the day, despite suicidal idealizations, i want to stick around. i want to see what the future brings for me, for humanity, etc. for all i know life just starts right over again. the light at the end of the tunnel might be the end of the urethra, and you're a sperm about to find the egg and start over in a drastically different existence. perhaps the cycle doesn't end until you learn to truly forgive and love. maybe there's never darkness, never that peace i dream of often. drugs don't work and haven't for awhile. i don't know, i suppose i'll keep smoking my cigarettes, drinking my coffee, making my stupid little comics and writing lists of tattoos i'll probably not get around to getting. For now Tarot has been helping me put the chaotic uncertainty of the cosmos into a neat little spread before me.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on May 03, 2016, 02:14:04 PM
I'm so glad you quoted me to say nothing about my experiences, but instead took 4 paragraphs to talk about yourself.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: pronetoaccidents on May 04, 2016, 05:26:10 AM
uh okay. i quoted you because i feel the same way but sorry i guess? i thought it was apparent since were all talking about the same thing but i admit i get to rambling and get a bit carried away in thought.

glad to hear your doing better though. thats great
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Joe on July 03, 2018, 03:33:57 PM
THREAD IS RISEN!: (fyi, in case you continue a convo from above this post.)

I get to where I don't want to see my friends, and definitely not my acquaintances.  Strangers are less than comfortable, but I get by.  Working is often like being a robot.

I don't want coddling from my friends, but I hope no one takes my absence personally.  It's just a weird challenge, and if a friend has an emergency, I will help.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on July 10, 2018, 12:37:24 PM
Do you not want to see them at all, or just not in general social settings? I ask because for me, when I'm going through a hermit phase (which is often), it helps to have one or two friends I trust and feel absolutely comfortable with, and just explain my situation to them and ask if they mind coming over for a little bit or if I can come over, one-on-one. Your friends who know you well will understand that it's nothing personal, you're just going through a rough time and will eventually come back around, but others may not get it. Don't be afraid to tell them anxiety and/or depression is taking control and it'll be awhile before you can work through it. As you can see from this thread, the majority of people deal with anxiety and depression to some degree and are understanding of others' situations.

It's tough feeling unable to socialize for months on end. I don't know your exact situation, but meds plus absolutely forcing myself to just go out into the world (i.e. get a cup of coffee) on a daily basis helped. The forcing yourself to go out is the hardest part, because you don't want to. At all. But with anxiety and depression, meds and self-soothing strategies have to go hand-in-hand with dealing with scenarios that cause you anxiety or keep you home due to depression. I hate it a lot and often don't follow my own advice. But I hope you or someone else might find it helpful.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Courtney on July 10, 2018, 12:53:51 PM
On a positive note, I've mostly gotten control over the symptoms of my multiple diagnoses. I still freak out and have meltdowns every few weeks, but nothing I can't handle. I'm taking grad courses again, working full-time, and most importantly, feel like I'm able to be a better daughter and friend. Meds helped tremendously and I'd be dead without them, but I was able to stop taking one of them a couple weeks ago (with psychiatrist approval). Hooray!

2011-2016 were the worst years of my life mentally and emotionally, and it took 2 years on lots of meds to get to here. I hope that everyone who's posted in this thread over the last few years finds some sort of stability <3.
Title: Re: depression thread
Post by: Joe on July 12, 2018, 02:16:08 PM
Do you not want to see them at all, or just not in general social settings?

That is a good question.  I typically don't want to see them at all when I get depressed. I feel like I can't relate to my friends and that they can't relate to me... even if it isn't reality. 

I do show up for my band practices, but that is fairly spiritual for me, and I don't know if I think of my bandmates as friends, since we only get together to play music and we don't really interact outside of rehearsals and performances. I do mention my depression to one of my bandmates in a matter of fact way, like "yeah, I've kind of been battling depression for a few weeks, but I'm eating right and getting exercise now that I'm aware I'm in it, so if I seem quiet tonight it is because I'm just trying to wade through it."

As I get older my depression gets milder, but not necessarily less dark.  I think I've just gotten better at self-talk and acceptance.  When I'm in it, it doesn't feel like it will pass and that there is no hope, lol, but I have enough experience with it to know that it does pass.  I don't take prescriptions meds, because I'm afraid I will abuse them (it runs in my family).

Ultimately, I'm ok with how I deal with my depression, I just struggle with maintaining some of my friendships, because I stop responding to invitations for awhile... and sometimes I just cut a person out because they clearly don't get it, even though I've attempted to explain it. Thanks for your thoughts, Courtney. I'm happy you are in a positive place.
Title: depression thread
Post by: MariTit on August 27, 2018, 07:17:22 AM
ya know, after hearing bout Robin Williams, hearing bout his depression and such, it makes me think of my own depression and the battle us with depression face. Its a never ending battle, trying not be sad when you are, trying to be happy when your not, even treatment doesnt make it go away completely. No matter what, we fight this battle every day. Doesnt matter how rich ya are, the wife you have, or anything. It affects decision making sometimes and who we act towards people. So to those fighting this battle with me, Robin went through it too but watching his movies if there is anything I can take from him is this. Ive always one to make others happy, and he did just that, he was more then just an actor and a comedian, but he struggled with us through this even trying to get help. so dont give up out there, we are not alone, we work through this together because only we can understand each other. thats all