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[pronetoaccidents]

this shouldn't be a hard decision. it really shouldn't. the answer should come faster than a ramones count-off but somehow it doesn't..

i'm choosing between..

A) take these antidepressants i've been prescribed and gain a bunch of weight and go through life in a strangely pleasant daze

or

B) don't take them. stay miserable. keep wanting to die everyday. hate myself every day. periodic weeping spells. substance abuse and take all that pain and put it into comics and stories and music and art.


i don't have health insurance so my options are pretty limited. I go to a quack doctor and i had to beg the guy to give me an anti-depressant. he hands out xanax like it's fucking halloween and i'm a trick or treater but when it comes to something serious.. i don't know. I think i've been so used to melancholy and gloom that it's become an imaginary fucking friend or something. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I've done a lot of bad things in my life and I'm sure as shit going to keep fucking anything good that comes my way up.

I have to fight every second to tell myself that life is worth living. i always wondered how i found such an amazing person to love me and whom i love and my biggest fear was them finding someone else. i worried so much about it, hated myself so much that i didn't realize that it was possible that i could be loved and in doing so, i pushed her further and further.

I didn't realize how badly my depression was affecting her. She spent all her time worrying about me and making sure i was okay that she got alienated from her friends and family. It's gotten to the point that she can barely stand being around me ( i can't fucking blame her. it must be like hanging out with Marvin the Paranoid Android or Eeyore. We spend 2 years practically sitting at home smoking weed and watching movies. I didn't realize how selfish i was being. I'm pretty sure the only reason she's even with me at all anymore is because she's afraid i'll myself if she left me (which i told her i would.. at the time i was just being honest but thinking about it now it's actually extremely fucking selfish, manipulative, and i'm literally holding some hostage emotionally.

[kw]

A. A all day. Rather have to deal with fighting a daze and being more active / figuring out strategies to not let weight gain affect you than to possibly not be able to struggle. All of us here want you alive and well.

[Joe]

You don't have to think about meds like, "OK, now I am on pills for the rest of my life." Sometimes it's healthy to have a little medicated vacation to help you get a footing. (although, follow doctor's orders, 'cause some of that stuff needs tapering/weaning)

Does seeing a therapist appeal to you, at all?  They can really help you find coping mechanisms, as well as help figure out what drug works best for you and whether you need something for long-term/daily use, or short-term/occasional use.

I know a lot of them are willing to work on a sliding scale, and there even might be some available for free through local gov't for low income. 

Also, I can't push journalizing enough on people, but that's just because it helped/helps me.  I would freewrite my heart out onto a couple pages of a notebook, and then rip the pages out and burn them(or soak them under water when fire was a bad idea).  I had a lot of PTSD/anxiety/whatever stuff that would keep repeating itself in my head and this was a good way to slow it down and process it somewhat. 

I hope I don't sound preachy or anything.  I had a really hard time a while back and I get sympathy pains when I hear about other people going through shit, and I just want to offer help.

[dakotafloyd]

Have you been on antidepressants before?  The ones I'm on haven't made me gain any weight, and I don't feel dazed at all.  I'll actually feel more focused, active, and motivated.  Ask your psychiatrist about options next time you go in; not all antidepressants do the same things.

I put off going to see someone about my mental health for a really long time.  Doing something about it has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

[pronetoaccidents]

first off thanks guys for sharing. It means a lot to me.

I have tried anti-depressants in the past. I've been on effexor and zoloft and buspar and remeron. The one I'm on now is Elavil, it's one of the earliest anti-depressants and not in the SSRI category like the majority of modern medications for depression. In the past when I was on the aforementioned meds I didn't notice any difference but I was still using drugs at the time and I've heard that you have to be sober for them to have the full effect. I also had the addict mentality at the time that I needed immediate gratification. I couldn't sniff a bag of dope, I had to shoot it because I couldn't stand to wait the 5 minutes. I got discouraged that I wasn't instantly "happy", even though I know that's not how they work. I know it takes a good 2 weeks before they actually start to make a difference in the brain.

I've taken everyone's advice and have been taking it. I'm not sure if it's psychological but I've been feeling much better, more motivated, more enthusiastic about life. It could just be that the weathers changing and spring is in the air and it seems symbolic to me as a rebirth but hey, i only have one life and i don't want to waste it. I'm going to make the best of it.