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[rory]

I'm starting to realize that, after living in a big house with people I've gotten close to for the last 3 years, and spending much of my time with my partner for the last 2+ years, I don't remember how to begin friendships. It seems that I've always had the most success when someone emerges into my life through a close friend, who then later just sort of integrates into my friend group. I feel like I honest to goodness haven't made friends outside of this manner in years. I live in a small city, with a tight-knit music community that also has a lot of rotating characters, due to it being a college town. So it's small, but there's always new people. In spite of the fact that I appear relatively social (running house venues, working at a social hub of the neighborhood, being in bands), I'm actually pretty insular and have a hard time letting people in or reaching out to new people.

So like... how on earth do you start hanging out with new people? Is it even worth the trouble when my 5 closest friends have turned out to be so stellar? It seems like I have to try, because eventually many of the people around me that I love dearly will move out, which is already beginning to happen. Or alternatively, I will move and I will have no relevant skills for re-booting my social life.

[dakotafloyd]

Try getting involved with new stuff around your city that your friends are necessarily involved in.  I felt like I wasn't making any new friends in Atlanta, but then I started back to school and have since met a lot of nice folks I otherwise wouldn't have.  What are some things you're interested in?

[AaronTheCabe]

I have this problem too. The result being that I have come to have fewer and fewer friends, not that my existing friends ditched but people move, have multiple kids to hanging out is more of a scheduled thing, and similar. I have never made friends with anyone at GA state because i just don't know how to start up conversation well. The last 'new' friend i made was actually dakota and i flaked out on him many times after initially hanging out (due to drugs putting me in a bad state) and to him i apologize.

its a really hard thing i think as one gets in your late 20s/early 30s. most people seem to get their cliques in college or something similar and don't venture out beyond that. Dating is even harder. i honestly don't know what i am going to do because i really don't like the bar/club scene or religious communities, which is where everyone at work tells me they make all their friends or meet people fo dating.

its a strange state of affairs. and really hard for a person in their 30s who is trying to meet new people.

[AaronTheCabe]

also dakota, now that my driving phobia is nearly completely purged with the help of medication and sobriety, i hope we can hang out again soon when i go up for these awesome upcoming october/november shows

[Anna Karina]

Somewhere between college and now I have built up an insane level of anxiety, which translate to it being incredibly hard to meet new people (and also why I'm finna die alone, wee!).

I think the last really good close friend I've made is someone I met through being roommates with at my last place. I barely even hang out with a lot of friends I went to college with who live here anymore outside of like six people. I feel like an asshole. It doesn't help that I'm perpetually broke and every time someone wants to do something, I can easily expect to throw away $50+ in doing so.

[rory]

What are some things you're interested in?

I feel like, after being here for 5+ years, I've sort of exhausted where my interests lead me - which is partially to say that most of my interests lead to roughly the same people. Many of the same people who are really into bikes are also into house shows. Many of the people into sewing/crafting are into house shows, unless I get into a bit of an older, even more decidedly insular crowd.

Sometimes I feel like I have lots of interests, but then other times I realize that most of my interests are offshoots of DIY/punk/queer stuff, and in a place this size, that's all the people I've already been seeing.

It also is that, for many people that I see often in group settings but don't know as well, I am a bit too square to hang with them, as I am not down with most drug use personally.

I ride the cusp of being too square for punk/outsider friends, and too outsidery to like join an LGBT club and hope to not be misunderstood (aka the first two years of college). Ya know?

[michaelcopeland]

I know how you feel. I've had a really close knit group of friends for a few years, but everyone is getting married and moving. Now I have 3 really close friends and that's it. Living in a small town, everyone meets people through work or church and I'm unemployed and nonreligious. I'm just now starting to get into the Pensacola music scene, so hopefully I can meet some cool new people that way. Also it kind of stinks that all me and my friends do when we hang out is drink because there's nothing else to do here.

[AaronTheCabe]

I know how you feel. I've had a really close knit group of friends for a few years, but everyone is getting married and moving. Now I have 3 really close friends and that's it. Living in a small town, everyone meets people through work or church and I'm unemployed and nonreligious. I'm just now starting to get into the Pensacola music scene, so hopefully I can meet some cool new people that way. Also it kind of stinks that all me and my friends do when we hang out is drink because there's nothing else to do here.

dude! you're in pensacola!? ive only been there once for 3 days but I LOVED IT. and This Bike is a Pipe Bomb was from there right? and ive heard other awesome bands from there. No wonder your music rocks! I'd be willing to drive down for atlanta and hang for a couple days when i have ~2/3 days off from work. cause i'm only the lonely and FRIENDSHIP! that was meant to sound stupid, for realz. but seriously. love that town

[michaelcopeland]

dude! you're in pensacola!? ive only been there once for 3 days but I LOVED IT. and This Bike is a Pipe Bomb was from there right? and ive heard other awesome bands from there. No wonder your music rocks! I'd be willing to drive down for atlanta and hang for a couple days when i have ~2/3 days off from work. cause i'm only the lonely and FRIENDSHIP! that was meant to sound stupid, for realz. but seriously. love that town

I actually live about 30 minutes outside of Pensacola, but yea there's some pretty rad musicians here. I wish I knew about folk punk back when TBIAPB used to play shows. That would be really cool! Maybe we could even play a show together or something.

[momitsnowme]

I am a generally friendly person and usually pretty good with making friends. That being said, I was in a slump for a while regarding local friends, here in Southern California. I've gotten out of it more recently, but have had to be pretty proactive about it.

I started using meetup.com, specifically for a moms' group for people with kids around the same age. Obviously not everyone can join a moms' group, but meetup.com has tons of groups and having one thing you know you can talk about, and with people who you know are also really looking for friends, is pretty helpful.

I've also just had to get over myself and be super up front about wanting new friends. People have given me weird looks, but I have also actually made friends this way. There's a woman a couple blocks away who was walking with her kid and I just went up to her and introduced myself and said I was looking for new friends. And now we are. I also did this the other day with someone at a coffee shop. She hasn't emailed me yet, but she was super friendly. Most people are if you make yourself a little vulnerable and if they aren't, they probably wouldn't be a great friend anyway.

[momitsnowme]

And as far as breaking out of the "casual" thing into real friendship, it is so hard. I usually try to just share something personal after hanging out a few times and checking for people's reactions. Again, being vulnerable and honest tends to make people feel closer to you, I think.

[Phitney]

I never know how to make friends. Being in roller derby helped me find a solid group of friends in California when I moved there without knowing anyone but my boyfriend at the time.

Now I've been in Virginia Beach for a month and a half, I'm struggling a little with friends. I've been hanging out more and more with my roommate's girlfriend, but beyond that I got nothing. I've started talking to some of the girls in derby, but it's hard now that I'm a ref....I feel kind of separated from them sometimes. Making friends as an adult is so hard sometimes. I don't know how this works.

[rory]

My parents are in their mid and late 50s and they are still making friends. This is commendable, and I always thought I could be that kind of person, but I think that I actually cannot.

I'm fairly certain the last two people I've tried to make friends with stopped wanting to be buddies when the realization that I am not going to take them occurred. I want to be up front and and honest with people, but it seems like people only care if it leads somewhere romantically involved. I know that that's not actually true, and I've probably just talked to a few of the wrong people for me, but it's a bit frustrating right now.

On the plus side, people wishin' they could be with me? Guess I still got it.

[amanda]

If it were not for the internet, I would have approximately 1 friend.

[Semi]

I meet a lot of people all the time since I'm organised politically but almost all my "real" friends who I actually hang out with on a regular basis are the same as the ones I've had since I was a kid except for a few people I used to live with.

[kw]

i have no idea how to make friends... i used okcupid for a while, which seemed to work alright, but the dating overtones from every meet up, even if it was explicitly discussed as NOT a date, threw me for a spin each time.

right now i am volunteer cooking at a community bike shop here in toronto called bike pirates on sundays, and have met some really rad folks who maybe one day will wanna hang with me as friends.

otherwise i have a ton of friends, they're called "books" and they are mostly my besties.

[Anna Karina]

People use OKCupid for not dating?

[pronetoaccidents]

i used okcupid only for making myself feel better about being miserable and alone when I was.

but on the original topic I don't know if I'd call the people I interact with on a day to day basis friends. I'm working full time as a plumbers helper, 12 hours a day, Monday to Friday, gotta be at work by 7 and still make it to a methadone program before that's an hour outta the way that I take buses and trains to get back and fro from, so I see a lot of people day to day and make a lot of small talk and bullshit with. so I guess I just commiserate with a lot of people. but I don't know, the people I thought were friends, the people I grew up with, it's hard enough for me to get them to even call me back or get together a few times a year after a show or when someone dies. the people who actually seem to care about my well being and genuinely give me good advice are family and family only. I really just have my father.

i would like new friends though. friends are nice.

[rory]

otherwise i have a ton of friends, they're called "books" and they are mostly my besties.

books, records, and my recording stuff are becoming my closest friends, for sure.

[bee]

i am generally terrible at making new friends. if i'm suddenly thrown into a new situation where i can just be like "hey i'm new! lets be friends!" i do okay, but once the dust settles, anxiety takes over. i had quite a few hangouts when i first moved to toronto and was keen to be social, but now i'm stuck in the pattern of "this person wants to hang out and they seem cool but hanging out with new people is scary and staying home isn't so ill just stay home" then i just end up staying home and feeling sorry for myself. i feel like i'm tiring of toronto far quicker than i had wanted to.

[rory]

i am generally terrible at making new friends. if i'm suddenly thrown into a new situation where i can just be like "hey i'm new! lets be friends!" i do okay, but once the dust settles, anxiety takes over. i had quite a few hangouts when i first moved to toronto and was keen to be social, but now i'm stuck in the pattern of "this person wants to hang out and they seem cool but hanging out with new people is scary and staying home isn't so ill just stay home" then i just end up staying home and feeling sorry for myself. i feel like i'm tiring of toronto far quicker than i had wanted to.

I've definitely been having some "let's be freinds" interactions recently. They seem to not go anywhere. I'm too oddball in all the wrong ways and too rigid in all the wrong ways to make friends with people easily. People don't follow through and neither do I. After the initial excitement, or after the drunk conversation goes well, there's not much after.

[Drewcifer]

I have a very hard time making friends.
I'm very much an introvert and I am not very social.

When I lived in a house with 7 other people, I met more people just because they would bring people over and I would become friends with them. Also we had a bunch of house shows, so that helped. Now I live with just my girlfriend and two dogs, we both hate parties and we don't go out much.

I also don't have a lot in common with a lot of the people I work with, so for some reason in my mind I don't like to waste my time trying to get to know these people because I don't have anything in common with them.. and I know thats a shitty way to think, but it's hard to change the mentality. They sometimes invite me to happy hour, but I always decline because I don't drink and I do not like bars.

I wish that I was more social, but I'm not.. and I hate small talk so much, mostly because I am so bad at it.

[Uncle]

  Once I talked about this (lack of success forming new friendships) with a psychologist and she told me:"Youre plenty acceptable, but youre not conveying your value to people when you first meet them. You have to ask yourself 'what reason have I given them to believe I add value to their life."
  I will admit that this hasnt actually worked, and sometimes its painful to even think about the lack of value im apparently conveying to people. But it makes sense. You should prolly make sure you're displaying something cool about yourself before people will care to invest in your relationship.

[BlakeK]

I need new friends, as well. I don't want to hang out with people whose main purpose is to get as high or as drunk as they can. I don't have anything against people who use drugs or drink, it's just hard for me to be around it due to cravings and what not. I live in a really small town and aside from my fiancé and 1 longtime friend, I need more social interaction. No offense to my friend but he isn't one for conversations that are intellectually stimulating.

[ramblinrabble]

Ive recently realized that i'm really not bad at meeting people and being friendly.   I'm just not good at making these meetings extend beyond that first encounter.