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[gumshoe]

Wow- Friday night here in LA I went to the Echoplex to see HWM play NO DIVISION in full and it was fucking powerful and so stupidly nostalgic. I think at 37 I'm having a midlife crisis and I just don't know how to lead a life anymore. The other day I ate an edible and wandered LA on foot listening to some Boards of Canada and saw young people spilling onto the streets from what was clearly a party going on in someone's apartment and I had crazy flashbacks back to the loft scene in Brooklyn and seeing house/loft shows and strangers spilling everywhere in dimly lit hallways, cigarette and weed smoke wafting all over the air, tubs and pitchers full of cheap beer and just the feeling anything is possible and randomly meeting people and having under the influence conversations and feeling young and amazing. And it just stung that it feels like all that is in the past. That life is buried but still exists for others in a different setting and wow. It's hard aging. And then going to the HWM show and screaming along and wondering what the latest punk bands that are doing it for the youth today. Going back to a time where it seemed like we all wanted to pick the most emotional choiciest lyrics our AIM info msg for people to read and grasp onto for just a lifeline to make it through a cold night. I forgot what it was like to feel that way. It was nice. And it was also unsettling at the same time.
It seems like life is a revolving circle and disconnected alienation and how could I forget that this feeling was once the norm and now only shoots into me sometimes while attending a HWM show or walking around the city high on weed. It's crazy. Otherwise I'm just an aging weirdo trying to find a reason to smile every single day. Not much different than when a punk lyric was what I needed. Sorry this is rambling but just felt like posting.

[Joe]

It's good that you are seeking things that make you smile.  I think I know the feeling, and I think it is very common in creative people.

There was a five year period in my mid 30s that feels like a lost time.  I was more focused on my job and money, than I was my health and happiness.  I was always playing music, I just felt ashamed of my love for it, and put myself down with thoughts that it was for kids, and that I should grow up.  One day I was ranting about it on my way to a music session, and my friend said "if you are still doing this at your age, you are a fucking lifer."  I don't know why, but hearing it changed everything for me.  I became aware that I was fighting myself and what brought me happiness.  That I didn't want to die feeling that way. It's like I had to learn to give myself permission to pursue happiness.

I'm in my 40s, now. I play music twice a week with two different groups.  I am playing and hosting two touring groups in April who are also middle aged. I was a show last night with a bunch of other middle aged folks, a handful of them brought their kids.  I have been taking drum lessons for a year, and I love how much it has added to my happiness.  By giving myself permission I have stumbled into a community that values my participation, and the community keeps growing. 

Shit, Daun and Chris from The Door-Keys(lesser known PIX band) are now in a band called The Evening Standards and they fucking blew my face off maybe a month ago. Chills through my whole body.  They are better than ever.  And that youthful punk rock passion still courses through them.   Let it.  These communities want you.