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[Anna Karina]

lol

[AaronTheCabe]

I've basically given up on my own music, even thought it's so important to me, I've just gotten so tired of that feeling of rejection. I've tried more to focus on other people's music and trying to help friends. I used to always think that I was so special and that my music deserved to be heard over others. I think I'm finding out otherwise.

Have you ever considered that this might be part of you growing as an artist?  I feel like it's good to be self-critical to an extent.  My friend Adam said it this way, "If you're not grappling with self-doubt half the time, you've probably lost perspective. The confident ones give us the worst and most lifeless bullshit."

I've definitely gone through phases where I've thought my music was garbage.  In fact, I feel that way more often than not, but I still think it's good to share it, because it's honest and maybe someone can relate and feel a little less alone because of it.  I've taken breaks from music.  I didn't even look at, let alone touch my guitar for weeks at a time.  I was really frustrated at myself for feeling this way, but eventually the motivation just started coming back.  I had to re-prioritize / re-evaluate some things in my life before that happened, but I'm currently feeling a lot better at my music and art as a whole, even though I definitely still know that I have a lot of room for improvements.

i think this is true for Michael as i have personally listened to his music (and yours dakota) many many times. sometimes though we get caught up in this whole "there's something special in everyone" rubbish. i worked so hard to have music that no one likes, poetry that i used to think was better than T.S. Eliot shrugged at, and prose that the greatest compliment my GSU writing professor gave me was along the lines of "well  you come up with interesting ideas" the least that was said to anyone in my particular class. i have some barbituates i really want to take the whole bottle of but i'm just sick )literally feverish)  and sad and won't. sometimes people aren't that great. we really aren't created equally

[Gelka]

So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

[Anna Karina]

So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

God.... DAMMIT!

[jer]

okay well that was fun for a second but now we have to get rid of this thing. Bye, Gelka.

[BlakeK]

Gelka sure knows how to quit bring the shit when it comes to depression.

Anytime anyone comes up with hard hitting, thought provoking questions and analysis such as Gelka, Jer shuts them down. What a fascist.

[dakotafloyd]

Now I'll take that with some toast.

[jer]

I'm not touching this, not even with a sweater made of R2D2

[jeffjeffington]

at random times during random days I start crying for a few moments when I'm alone. usually I stepped off the job to smoke a cigarette, or I think about how my mom died so young, or that one day my girlfriend will die and I will die and so will everyone. then I usually break out laughing a little bit after. most of my life is sadness and that's why I appreciate the little vacations from time to time.

yeah man, i go thru the same thing, sometimes i go through weeks of feeling like i have to cry every morning in order to feel "normal".  sometimes it hits when im with friends or family and i just try to hide it.  i used to cut, but havent in a while, i still get that urge sometimes and fight it off....im kinda scared what that might do to me.

[BlakeK]

I feel like we have a very open group of people on here. I think that other boards have just as many people dealing with depression but probably don't talk about it. At first I was thinking we should win an award for most depressed and neurotic message board but after thinking of all the nutty boards out there, I just think we are just more open about our mental health. I have been doing pretty well with my depression the last 8 months but prior to that it was a tough 19 years.

[kaywhyelleee]

I've been having a particular hard few months recently. I tend towards spirals of self-loathing, but this has been the longest-lasting so far. My best friend and roommate keeps telling me to go see a therapist, or at least our school's personal counseling office, but instead I've just stopped telling her anything because I just don't want to do that. I've always tended to see my depression as very passive; I still get done what I need to get done, but I dunno. That's where I'm at right now. I hope you're all doing okay.

[rory]

I feel like I am incapable of establishing meaningful relationships with new people.

And that everything is just sort of happening around me.

And that I structured my life around something that no longer gives back to me or that I can no longer meaningfully contribute to.

I made one friend in the last several months, and they are moving away soon. And probably that wont be a big deal to them but it's a hell of a bummer for me. And we weren't even that close. I just was happy to find someone kind going through similar things as me.

Also as usual gender is fucked up. I kind of think that I'll never do this thing right. Or if I do I will become even more estranged from the remaining good people in my life.

[Anna Karina]

My dad had a heart attack last night. He seems to be doing fine now.

I am not coping well, especially with being almost 2,000 miles away from my family and very literally incapable of doing anything to help.

Everyone's out celebrating probably my favorite holiday and I loathe all of them. I need to do something to preoccupy my thoughts, but I can't concentrate on the things I'm doing enough for it to work.

[momitsnowme]

ugh, Brett, I'm sorry. I hate being far away from my family during big stuff. It really sucks.

[pronetoaccidents]

i'm upset to hear about the situation but very happy that he seems to be okay. i hope for only the best

[Anna Karina]

Thanks for the concern. Sorry I never followed up.  He seems to be doing fine and my parents are apparently vacationing in their usual spot in Mexico for Thanksgiving, so hopefully they're having a good time.

I feel like I should post on the board more and I feel bad for forgetting to reply to stuff so often.  I get stuck inside a world within my head and forget that I haven't actually responded to people.

I'm in a constant state of trying to escape my depression and it always seems to catch up in one way or another, and it's completely overwhelming.  I try to be happy and I think most of my friends think I am, but I mostly just feel numb at this point.  The only thing that really affects me is the notion of my parents outliving me and having to deal with the results.  Instead I just continue down a steady downward spiral.  I don't think I'll make it into my 40s and I'm not sure if I'm frightened or relieved about that.

I probably shouldn't be posting any of this. Happy Thanksgiving.

[pronetoaccidents]

i'm feeling pretty shitty.. i don't feel i'll ever find anyone that i'll love as much as my ex. i don't think i could be myself around anyone else, my real self.. she was my best friend.

[Anna Karina]

.

[Courtney]

QUIT THAT SHIT, BRETT.

But yeah, I've been on meds that are actually working for the past few months and it's made this recent depressive episode way less intense than usual. Still depressed, but only in the "I just want to watch netflix and sleep all day" sense, rather than having suicidal thoughts. Seems kind of odd, but I'm pretty stoked on only being a little depressed.

[pronetoaccidents]

QUIT THAT SHIT, BRETT.

But yeah, I've been on meds that are actually working for the past few months and it's made this recent depressive episode way less intense than usual. Still depressed, but only in the "I just want to watch netflix and sleep all day" sense, rather than having suicidal thoughts. Seems kind of odd, but I'm pretty stoked on only being a little depressed.

i've tried just about every antidepressant and while my depression fluctuated from wanting to die every second, to wanting to die a few times a day, to wanting to die now and then. however after losing my mother, losing friends, reading about death constantly it makes me appreciate certain little things.. stepping outside and seeing the wind rustle the leaves on a tree. going to a pet store and playing with a puppy..

i look for little things to hold on to. i clutch them until i'm white knuckled. music helps. finding new bands, knowing i can spend the rest of my life searching and digging as deep as i wanna and i'll never find em all. always in search of the perfect band..

i'm currently on wellbutrin, abilify, serequel, klonopin and methadone. It dulls the edges of my constant depression. I suppose I will always be, and always have, a melancholy perspective. It's been hard to tell if it's from a chemical imbalance or just circumstantial factors because my life has been far from ideal for as long as i can recall (as i'm sure most peoples are).. I wonder if everyone struggles with just being a person. a sentient being in a world that hurtles past me, colliding with  setbacks when things finally seem to be fitting neatly into place.

at the end of the day, despite suicidal idealizations, i want to stick around. i want to see what the future brings for me, for humanity, etc. for all i know life just starts right over again. the light at the end of the tunnel might be the end of the urethra, and you're a sperm about to find the egg and start over in a drastically different existence. perhaps the cycle doesn't end until you learn to truly forgive and love. maybe there's never darkness, never that peace i dream of often. drugs don't work and haven't for awhile. i don't know, i suppose i'll keep smoking my cigarettes, drinking my coffee, making my stupid little comics and writing lists of tattoos i'll probably not get around to getting. For now Tarot has been helping me put the chaotic uncertainty of the cosmos into a neat little spread before me.

[Courtney]

I'm so glad you quoted me to say nothing about my experiences, but instead took 4 paragraphs to talk about yourself.

[pronetoaccidents]

uh okay. i quoted you because i feel the same way but sorry i guess? i thought it was apparent since were all talking about the same thing but i admit i get to rambling and get a bit carried away in thought.

glad to hear your doing better though. thats great

[Joe]

THREAD IS RISEN!: (fyi, in case you continue a convo from above this post.)

I get to where I don't want to see my friends, and definitely not my acquaintances.  Strangers are less than comfortable, but I get by.  Working is often like being a robot.

I don't want coddling from my friends, but I hope no one takes my absence personally.  It's just a weird challenge, and if a friend has an emergency, I will help.

[Courtney]

Do you not want to see them at all, or just not in general social settings? I ask because for me, when I'm going through a hermit phase (which is often), it helps to have one or two friends I trust and feel absolutely comfortable with, and just explain my situation to them and ask if they mind coming over for a little bit or if I can come over, one-on-one. Your friends who know you well will understand that it's nothing personal, you're just going through a rough time and will eventually come back around, but others may not get it. Don't be afraid to tell them anxiety and/or depression is taking control and it'll be awhile before you can work through it. As you can see from this thread, the majority of people deal with anxiety and depression to some degree and are understanding of others' situations.

It's tough feeling unable to socialize for months on end. I don't know your exact situation, but meds plus absolutely forcing myself to just go out into the world (i.e. get a cup of coffee) on a daily basis helped. The forcing yourself to go out is the hardest part, because you don't want to. At all. But with anxiety and depression, meds and self-soothing strategies have to go hand-in-hand with dealing with scenarios that cause you anxiety or keep you home due to depression. I hate it a lot and often don't follow my own advice. But I hope you or someone else might find it helpful.

[Courtney]

On a positive note, I've mostly gotten control over the symptoms of my multiple diagnoses. I still freak out and have meltdowns every few weeks, but nothing I can't handle. I'm taking grad courses again, working full-time, and most importantly, feel like I'm able to be a better daughter and friend. Meds helped tremendously and I'd be dead without them, but I was able to stop taking one of them a couple weeks ago (with psychiatrist approval). Hooray!

2011-2016 were the worst years of my life mentally and emotionally, and it took 2 years on lots of meds to get to here. I hope that everyone who's posted in this thread over the last few years finds some sort of stability <3.