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[CrackyMcCrackerson]

I should be happy.  I have a job and a car, I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me more than anything and shows me every day.  I make shit money but I scrape by and I want for nothing(except for all kind of guitars that I salivate over).

But my hearing is progressively getting worse. At the age of 28 I have a congenital hearing loss and Ménière's disease which can cause vertigo that can last up to 4 hours.  Last time it happened at work and the room just started spinning and I had pretty wicked motion sickness and I threw up for a couple hours.  Doctors say that it is hard to tell when an attack will come but they happen once a year or so and I've been having anxiety attacks when I think they might be coming on. I have constant tinnitus which sounds like a whooshing or dull roaring which shows that I'm losing the lower frequency hearing.  I've learned to live with it because it used to be just be in spurts but it is now perpetually there.  Playing music and listening to music saved my life and is still very important to me and to know that the ability to enjoy it is slipping away from me is killing me.

I've been having anxiety attacks at work where I have to concentrate on breathing.  My extremities will tingle and my face burns.  I tend to go to the bathroom and throw water of my face and wait for it to pass.  This happens at least once or twice a day.  They aren't that bad but they still suck.

[pronetoaccidents]

I'm sorry that you're plagued with such uncomfortable physical and emotional pain. are you on/open to medication? It obviously couldn't cure the condition but would at least alleviate the more debilitating symptoms.

It's great that music is so therapeutic for you. It has saved my life as well, a many a time, and i'm sure it will continue to do so, again and again, until my life is beyond saving and my time has come.

By the way, I don't think I've made your digital acquaintance Mr. (Mr.s?) CrackyMcCrackerson. My name is ryan.

[CrackyMcCrackerson]

Hi Ryan,

I'm mostly a lurker here.  I'm from Dallas.  I'm a Mr.  My name Chris.  There might be a few Chris's here so it might be easier to refer to me, on here at least, as Cracky.  My name doesn't mean anything, it just a variation of "crackinthewall" username  I used since I was 17.

My ears are pretty good today, I can't decide if I want to fuck them up by blastin Deafheaven today or not.

[pronetoaccidents]

I'm a big supporter of doing irrevocable damage to the ear drums while you're young. blast away! it's a lot of fun, it drowns out the world, and it takes away the pain for the time being, for me at least, to listen to something so obnoxiously loud. it's proven, by ya know, science and stuff, that ya can't think about two things at the same time. so if you are listening to Aus Rotten with headphones at such a face melting ferocity it stops you from thinking about the fact that people die, even the seemingly truest of loves withers in your very hand and almost in the blink of an eye, crumbles to sand and dust and is gone just as quickly as it came.

so yeah, put off your problems with sonic bombardment! unless of course it's something really serious and ya wanna talk to someone. than that's a different story. deeper than the regular day to day woes that plague us sentient folks.

[Courtney]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with Meneire's at such an early age, Cracky. My mom has severe vertigo (which they thought at first was Meneire's) and it's awful :(.

[momitsnowme]

Chris, I noticed you mentioned focusing on your breathing and tingly limbs. I learned a couple years ago that tingly limbs can be one of the symptoms of hyperventilating. Focusing on your breathing is great but maybe next time you can notice if you're doing it in a way that is making you feel more anxious. There are lots of really great mindfulness meditations online that are abiut noticing your breath without doing anything to change it that have been really helpful for me.

[Anna Karina]

Getting ridiculously drunk, dealing with multi-generational bipolar problems, then reading letters from my first girlfriend who died at 15 is not my best moment in recent memory.

I saw her parents earlier tonight and found out her younger sister would like to read my letters to better understand her. I want to say yes but goddamn it's such a personal request I don't know how to handle it. Other than deciding to read every single letter/the obituary/letters from her parents after her passing.

Tomorrow I get to wake up and deal with bipolar shitty relatives who have purposely attacked my sister and mom for the past decade and put all the blame on them for the terrible shit they've done. Kinda wanna go back to LA right now.

[rory]

I've been freaking out the last few days where everything either makes me sad or it makes me angry.

I had to leave work early because I was too volatile.

I cannot handle anything and no one knows what to do with me. Moreover I don't know what to do with me.

Everything feels pointless and horrible. Every nice thing people try and do just makes me cry and everything else makes me fucking irritated.

I need some kind of reliable outlet for this but I don't want to subject anyone to me and my shit.

[Phitney]

My boss and company are such lying, manipulative assholes. I don't understand how people like that get by in this world. Sometimes I feel like I fall into this pit while I'm working where I feel like since I've been putting up with this bullshit for so long, I can't do any better. The pay is shit and I've been working hard when they dangle benefits like "health insurance," "paid time off," "holiday pay," "401(k)," and "commission" in front of me. Whenever the project is done, though, it's always the same: "Oh, we're still working on it." or "Oh, we've decided we're not doing that at this time." There are no benefits and you just get shit on and sidelined. That's what my company does. And then the CEO has the fucking audacity to say how he wants us to be "successful" and "not just scrape by, living paycheck to paycheck, but be financially successful" because he "wants the best for all of us" because we are his "family." It's all bullshit. My company breaks labor laws, does shady business, and flat out lies. I know this. I want out.

So why the can't I muster up the motivation some days to apply for jobs and change my situation? Why do I keep feeling like I can't do any better? Why do I feel like I'm not worth being able to get a job where I can actually use my physics degree? When people find out about my degree, they're all, "Oh wow, you must have a really great career! Such a useful degree!" when I just want to slap them and tell them to shut the fuck up because I've been struggling for the past 3 years that I've been out of college and things aren't looking up.

But I'm struggling because I don't put forth the effort. I don't put forth the effort because somehow I convince myself that it's useless. I worry that my self esteem has just plummeted since I've been working this job for the past year and a half or whatever.

Anyone have any ideas for getting and staying motivated?

[Anna Karina]

Anyone have any ideas for getting and staying motivated?

Do the opposite of everything I do.

[AaronTheCabe]

aye

[rory]

losing my grip on reality and compromising some of the only good things in my life WOOOOOO

[kaywhyelleee]

Hey, all. I don't post here much, if I ever did at all. But I just read through this thread and wanted to offer all of you what little thing this is:



I have my own struggle with depression and I know how much it hurts but I think you're all much better people than you think you are. I know this random kid on the internet isn't going to change your opinion much, but I just wanted to throw something out there. I hope you're all okay.

[lovelyseaside]

I don't put forth the effort because somehow I convince myself that it's useless. I worry that my self esteem has just plummeted since I've been working this job for the past year and a half or whatever.

i feel y'all on this. i have been seeing a therapist weekly the past couple of months. i am fairly certain i've cried at least 200+ days in 2014. working, making schedules/'routines' have been helping. ( something as small as lighting a candle, putting on fun music, and sitting with my coffee/book)  i have recently started 5htp and will let ya guys know how it works out for me. i have been off medication for about 2 years now so i really hope this is helpful otherwise i might be seeing my psychiatrist again.

[dakotafloyd]

Finally made a big step and had a consultation with a therapist the other day.  Seems like I'm gonna be trying that anti-depressants game, which is pretty scary to me, but I'm trying to go into it optimistically.  Fingers crossed.

[disa]

I quit my job that was causing me a lot of stress and anxiety and have a new one that I like better, at least now that I'm three weeks in. I've been feeling pretty positive lately which gives me hope that I might finally be able to go off the anti-depressants that I've been on for over two years!

[Aaron]

The times are a changing pretty rapidly these days, but stay punk, don't take crap, and never stop rebelling against mainstream cultural conditioning!  It takes more effort when you're too old to go to diy shows or whatever every weekend, but really, however you do it, it'll help you.  Not everything is your fault, so be careful what you internalize...Stay strong pixers <3

[Gelka]

So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

[jer]

So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

Uh, did I miss something? It doesn't look like any one here is discussing if others have depression or not.

[kw]

So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

um... what?

[michaelcopeland]

I still haven't made any progress on my alcoholism, but I think I'm learning to accept it. I also have a pretty okay job and I'm learning to drink only on my off days (I work 12 hour shifts so half of my days are off days) so I guess you could maybe call that progress (but at the same time, I drink more than ever because now I can afford it). I drank a bottle of McCormick and a bottle of Everclear in 2 days and the whole time was a blur, I said and did a lot of stuff I really regret. Including messaging an ex and they made me feel really guilty and like a piece of shit (I can't decide if I deserve that or not). I like my job here but I still have no friends. I now make 16 dollars an hour (which I think is pretty good), but I feel so lonely all the time and i question if it's even worth it.

I've basically given up on my own music, even thought it's so important to me, I've just gotten so tired of that feeling of rejection. I've tried more to focus on other people's music and trying to help friends. I used to always think that I was so special and that my music deserved to be heard over others. I think I'm finding out otherwise.

[dakotafloyd]

I've basically given up on my own music, even thought it's so important to me, I've just gotten so tired of that feeling of rejection. I've tried more to focus on other people's music and trying to help friends. I used to always think that I was so special and that my music deserved to be heard over others. I think I'm finding out otherwise.

Have you ever considered that this might be part of you growing as an artist?  I feel like it's good to be self-critical to an extent.  My friend Adam said it this way, "If you're not grappling with self-doubt half the time, you've probably lost perspective. The confident ones give us the worst and most lifeless bullshit."

I've definitely gone through phases where I've thought my music was garbage.  In fact, I feel that way more often than not, but I still think it's good to share it, because it's honest and maybe someone can relate and feel a little less alone because of it.  I've taken breaks from music.  I didn't even look at, let alone touch my guitar for weeks at a time.  I was really frustrated at myself for feeling this way, but eventually the motivation just started coming back.  I had to re-prioritize / re-evaluate some things in my life before that happened, but I'm currently feeling a lot better at my music and art as a whole, even though I definitely still know that I have a lot of room for improvements.

[michaelcopeland]

That's definitely something to think about. What a great quote by the way. I don't think I could ever actually quit music for good, I just take breaks from it as well. I always end up coming back to it because it's always been my main form of therapy.

Your music is awesome by the way, Dakota!

[Gelka]

So were at the part where we discuss who has real and proper depression and who doesnt?  Yeah, well... Fuck that.

[jer]

well, this is an odd bot.