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[pronetoaccidents]

so i just got out of rikers island. a friend of mine wasnt so lucky. he got stabbed 43 times and last thing i saw was him holding his entrails and crying for his mother.

i turned 28 in the bullpen, which is the worst part. the intake is before you get a bed so its a small cell with over a hundred people, most kicking dope, everyone shivering, puking, shitting.

it got better. my bunkie was a serial hit man but a teddy bear at heart and frank lucas/nicky barnes dope runner. good guys.

but still, this is not the life i want.i dreamt of my mother silently weeping for me in purgatory. my father doesnt want to speak to me. i lost everythig..

i hope life is good for the rest of you. the dads, happy belated fathers day. happy summer dudes and gals

[BlakeK]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Why was he stabbed? Why were you in jail? So many questions. I really wish you could start a new life. It's hard but possible. First off, you need a support group and it needs to consist of people in NA and/or people with a lot of sober time. You have to get away from people who use even if they're your best friends. It is hard but after a long while, if you still miss their friendship you can reconnect but quite honearly in my case, there was only like one person I honestly gave a shit about and I had to stay away from him for quite a while. He knows now that I won't hang out with him if he has been using and won't ask to hang out if he has. There are very few people in my life who I can say that about. In my dozen or more failed attempts in the past, I always would have people saying supportive sounding stuff and saying that they wouldn't sell or offer me shit. First time I called them when the going got tough and I got weak? Right back to the way things were. Im sorry for the counter rant I just want to see you get sober.

[pronetoaccidents]

i have a bunch of warrants here and there that catch up to me. i had an old one for petty larceny, criminal mischief and contempt and i got stopped jumping a subway turnstile and had a small knife on me, just a little home depot one i always keep just for the fuck of it. when i got arraigned my public defender said i could of been facing over a year. they had me wait about a month in jail before they got rid of my bail cuz no one would bother paying so i can at least fight it on the outside.

he got attacked for the usual thing in the building i was in, gang violence. i was mostly in a latin king and ms 13 house and since the contempt charge was a felony it was all felons, mostly going upstate, had a lot of time over their heads so i guess they figured any other infraction couldnt hurt.

theyve set me up in a shelter and im waiting to get into a mental health program. thanks

[BlakeK]

Well, I hope it helps. I'm sure things will get better with your father after you get things taken care of. It does suck that he's not supportive. If it were up to my father, I would not have been supported when I needed it most. Things are better now, though. I've always had a strange relationship with my dad.

[pronetoaccidents]

Thats the problem my father has been the only one there for me for years. Hes my best friend but theres only so much bullshit he can take. Its an endless cycle. Things are good long enough to let his guard down then bam ryans smoking crack or back in jail.

Its fucking pathetic and im disgusted with myself