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[pronetoaccidents]

okay i know some people don't really like to read my tangents, and the peripheral elements of the story and just want the straight up shit but this some ridiculousness that i think someone might appreciate.

I was seeing a quack doctor. he said he didn't take insurance and made me pay $75 dollars for each visit. he would literally ASK ME what type of medication i wanted to take. at the time i was suicidal, anxiety through the roof and honestly just wanted help. I've been through the mental health ringer and know my way around psychotropic drugs/benzodiazapenes/etc. anyhow, he had me on a pretty absurd cocktail.. Xanax 2MG 3X daily, Elavil (which is super strong and leaves someone looking like they're on Thorazine.. think the "Thorazine shuffle. he also threw in an anti-depressant for good measure to cover his own ass, lexapro, which i was told by my new shrink i just started seeing, her words verbatim "as soon as you go home THROW THAT OUT. it makes you feel MUCH worse". but back to the quack.. i told him i was lethargic and thought maybe the cocktail wasn't really working. his answer was to give me the strongest amphetamine that can legally be described Dexedrine.. It makes the strongest adderal/ritalin look like baby aspirin. and then to come down at night? Ambien. I was living the pharmacopoeia life. 

so here's the interesting part. This quack doctor, he was involved in the Japanese Yakuza gangs. They apparently fronted him money to get his business going. Since this "doctor" only takes cash, by the end of one day, any random day, he has close to $4,000. They waited in the bathroom until closing and then robbed him, beat him to a bloody pulp and left him crippled. He was also being investigated for his obvious unethical dolling out any pill that anyone wanted as long as they coughed up the bread.

So i go to the doc the other day (the quack) appointment I see police barricades and his office is boarded up. Obviously it's beyond the point of ethics, but it's borderline manslaughter. people can die from benzo (Xanax and the likes) withdrawal and he left us all high and dry.

So I find a new doc. She took one look at my medication history and was appalled. She saw what I was being prescribed and said it was an embarrassment, represents everything detestable about her profession and how people like that ruin lives and reputations and had pity for my horrific experience.. akin to using me as either a guinea pig or just didn't really give two fucks. She changed my entire regiment so I wanted to ask people if they have any positive/negative experiences with these substances. I know it takes 2 weeks to kick in and i know it may not work (it's a continuous and concerted ongoing thing to find the right remedy.

So now I'm on Wellbutrin, Serequel, Klonopin, and Abilify. I don't want to be a bloated, gray phantasm, but i also don't want to die. i'm dangerously impulsive. I'm also manipulative, calculating, selfish, and plenty of other detestable characteristics. I was close to killing myself twice this month, and prior to that was in a pyschward where they let me out in under 24 hours (with cuts all over my body)..

i don't want attention. this may seem like a cry for help but it's not a cry. it's a whimper. i don't know how to be alone. I don't know what it means to be okay because all i know is me. I don't know what it means to be happy. well, that's not true. I'm actually hyper aware of being happy because it happens so infrequently that it stands out vibrant and italicized. i hope this new combination works. I was just seeing the quack before, no therapist. so now I'm going to be seeing both and hopefully i'll find some hope. i have hope, it's in me or else i would of just done IT. but for whatever reason when it really comes down to it, my desire to live is stronger than it is to die. It's not easy. though. literally yesterday the only thing that kept me from doing something very compulsive was i found a new writer i really like and want to finish his book before i make any absolute solutions. (Thomas Ligotti by the way. That's the author. The book is a collection of his short stories.. Songs of a Dead Dreamer and Grimsribe) I just really hope the medication and combination of talk therapy helps but it's hard. I'm afraid to really open up. If i saw i'm suicidal they'll just throw me back in the pyschward and i can't do that again.

[BlakeK]

Is this new doctor weaning you off the Xanax via Klonopin? It just seems risky for your sobriety to be on a benzo but I understand you can't come off of Xanax cold turkey. Your current medications seem appropriate and I think they can really help....BUT (you know what I'm going to say)..you need counseling! Also a 12 step program or comparable support group would be good too. You need coping skills, not just meds. I'm glad you're getting help but keep getting more!

[AaronTheCabe]

Lexapro after a week and i went from thinking about suicide 24+ times a day to one or two times half a week. didn't make me feel worse. didn't even realize it was working until i finally reazlised i wasn't pacing around the room thinking about dying. the problem with doctors' and everyone really, is there own private dogmas. individuals are as such and have individual reactions to things. the doctor's dismal of lexapro is just as much quackery as the other doctor. they are both stupid fucks

[pronetoaccidents]

so i'm in a strange situation... i actually feel "happy". all these years i've been treated for depression, never for bi-polar, which it turns out, i supposedly am. It makes sense because my grandmother is and her sister was (commited suicide). so i've been taking welbutrin, abilify and they switched my xanax to klonopin..

i know, i know. these medicines supposedly take time to build in the body to work but i can't deny i feel a drastically noticable difference. my solo thing kosmonaut, i did my first show this weekend and had a great time.

i knew something had to give. for me, every single day was a struggle to not commit suicide. the only reason i didn't was because i didn't want to put my father through the strain after my mothers passing. i had the pills stashed, the stop myself from crying i would cut my chest and legs and torso deeply.. when i take off my shirt it's very disturbing to see. I KEPT A SUICIDE NOTE ON ME AT ALL TIMES, i used it as the FUCKING BOOKMARK in the book i was reading just in case it happened to be the day. this was normal, every day life for me.

i didn't know where to turn. i knew if i was honest with a therapist i'd be locked up in a pyschward and lose my house, etc. etc. i didn't care about anything or anyone other than myself. i see looking back how severe depression makes one so self absorbed and brutally narcisitic.

My only fear is that this wave of energy and positivity and creativity could be a maniac phase induced my the medication and if that's the case, i'm gonna plummet hard. but i'm trying to stay positive, focused, and honest with myself. i never thought a therpaist would work for me because i thought i was too intelligent and manipulative and it would just be me placating them but i'm giving it a real shot. hope things keep up because it feels good to enjoy life.