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Messages - rory

General / I quit facebook
October 06, 2017, 05:37:39 PM
and it's been pretty good to me.

I read more, and I play guitar a ton (which I'm primarily a bass player, so it's been nice to direct my musical attention to something I'm not as good at, and that sounds better by itself), and after the initial shock of not having constant reinforcement for every small online interaction wore off, the quiet has been nice.

I've often times felt like I was very bad at reaching out to people to hang out, but now that I don't have access to everyone I could ever hope to contact, it feels less stressful. When I see people, it's more exciting. It's frustrating to not share every little inane thought that reminds me of someone with that person, but it's also okay to just kind of let it roll off of me and be forgotten.

I'm adjusting to the break up of my band and the hiatus from booking shows. I hit a dismal spot and had some strong suicide contemplation with some mild acting out around it. I don't know for certain that it's all behind me.

I'm trying to find purpose in my life now that my goals of the last few years have been dashed before my eyes, leaving me little to show for it. For now I'm trying to embrace the simple quiet of doing things just for me.

I'm not sure what this thread is really about, I guess without facebook it seemed like a good idea to put my long-form thoughts here, since there's not much else going on here anyhow. Have you all quit before? Or maybe never really got into it in the first place?
Darkrooms are super simple! For black and white photo at least, I have never seen a color lab, but everything I've heard is that you can't really makeshift set them up in your home like b+w.

I bought my two enlargers and pretty much everything else I needed on craigslist for really cheap. Where ever you live, this stuff is bound to pop up.

For developing, you just need the developing dank / a light bag (or a completely light proofed room), the chemicals (developer / stop bath (which you can use distilled white vinegar as apparently?) / fixer) and running water. You put the film in the developing tank in total darkness, then run the chemicals through it in order with specified time, rinse, and your film should be good! Though it is super simple, it's nerve wracking, because unlike printing, if you screw it up there's no going back.

For printing you need a light proof room and red lights, photo paper, the enlarger, trays / tongs for your chemicals, running water or just a way to run water over the photo (like a water bottle and a bucket), and a spot to dry things. The chemicals are the same as for the film, and you also go in that order, but it's in open trays instead of in a little tank. The enlarger is what you put your negatives (developed film) onto, and it projects it. You project it for a certain amount of tine / certain aperture setting (how much light is passing through) to produce a desired result. Do as many trials as needed until desired results, varying time and aperture, but after awhile you get a sense for it depending on where you shot / what film you used. The photo paper cannot be exposed to light until the image is fixed (has gone through all the chemicals).

I did this stuff in high school, and a couple times for as just personal hobby stuff. Being in the darkroom is a peaceful experience for me. Working in a crammed little dark cave with just some music and some simple goals in mind is really nice. When I've got some new photos I'm happy about I'll show you all! I have to admit that I'm not actually a very good photographer, but it's a hobby I've on and off enjoyed aspects of, so I try not to dwell on that fact so much. It's more about the process for me than the result much of the time.
Drawing more is part of my plan.

After this weekend I don't have any more shows at my house - most likely for the rest of the year. Without a tour to book or shows to run, I will soon be deactivating my facebook and spending a lot of time on myself. I plan to post more art stuff on my tumblr, and maybe if I get excited about some things, share them here!

I have a darkroom set up at a partner's house, but as of right now most of my photos that I love are of people who hurt me deeply. I need to take more photos to feel good about.

I also have a good friend who moved to Denmark, and we have plans to work on music together remotely, just sending things back and forth to add onto. I hope it happens.
General / Re: WTF
September 03, 2017, 03:31:11 PM
From what I remember about Paul stuff, I thought it was someone else (someone who also used to post on this board) who had moved to Bloomington and had quote unquote bad consent with a partner. People in Bloomington didn't handle it head on and Paul tried to and it got messy. That person eventually moved from Bloomington and so did Paul. This person in question had nowhere near the social capital of Chris but was friends with that whole scene obviously.

But I could have just ended up getting some sort of weird side story that is unrelated? No idea. This was many years ago.
General / Re: i made a change or two.
August 26, 2017, 03:03:34 PM
I hate it but at least my account is still here.

I mean unless I get banned for hating this.
General / Re: WTF
August 26, 2017, 03:00:43 PM
Reading more of the accounts and seeing such a blatant pattern, I feel kind of fucked up about my previous statements, but I'm going to leave them here. It's part of processing. Since I'm processing some (minor comparatively but thematically similar) things about my former bandmate and am taking him through accountability, I think when I wrote that I was in a position to think really intensely about restorative justice.

It's fucked that I think that I'm glad that I caught my bandmate in the throws of his lies and shitty behavior when I did, so that he didn't get worse and affect more people further away. I'm fucked up about having to wrangle supposed good men and keep them in line.

There's a lot to think about, but my heart is just aching for all these goddamn women that no one listened to for years.
General / Re: WTF
August 21, 2017, 10:53:36 PM
I believe it. I know the person who brought this to light, though not well, and it really seems to me that there would be no earthly reason to lie. I mean, really, honestly, do people think that it ever goes well for someone to out a popular abuser? Anyone I've known that has tried to make some traction for accountability for someone with more social capital then themselves has gone down one seriously atrocious road - all after being victimized in the first place. It's like living in a bizarro world (especially in DIY/punk circles) where everyone talks a big game about accountability and sticking up for victims - except of course in this circumstance where this victim is a liar and this person accused is untouchable.

Considering Chris' power, and considering his pretty public openness about struggling with depression and mental heath, I do worry for him. I worry that in being a rash and unstable person with a wide reach like he does, what could for one person just be a step in getting to a place where accountability is possible - internalizing it and making a big to-do about being an awful person rotten to the core - will just get fueled by friends and acquaintances who will stick up for and support that. He will lean into the pity thing, because that's what people do, but I wonder how many people around him will tell him that he isn't an inherently and specifically evil person, and cannot take that easy way out of accountability. One needs to know that they fucked up in a way that isn't wholly characteristic of their personhood or being.  That doesn't mean that what they did is even remotely excusable or okay. But if this person's main request for accountability is seeking therapy (which, let's be honest here, is a pretty damn mild request), dude has to believe that he can change and be better.

His position of power and influence greatly plays into why something like this would happen, may have happened other times, and without intervention could happen again. If people really care about Chris, they need to hold him to the requests of the victim.

I've been thinking a lot about accountability and restorative justice, and we just see almost no good examples it's devastating. It's hard to know what to do.

This shit is fucked. I really hope that the victim finds some sort of peace. I do also hope that for Chris, in a way that is hard to talk about.
It seems like all 5 of us left are into this function, but it's hard to really say.

The last week and a half for me has been a total blur. I caught my bandmate and my partner together. My partnership has been going on for 6 years, with a 6 month or so break as we adjusted to a polyamorous structure. A pretty simple part of the structure is just to talk about who we're interested in etc. but this fellow's name never came up. Had it, I would have probably expressed how that is a bad idea, as he was in a decidedly very monogamous partnership for the last 5 years. It also could be awkward and messy as he was in two bands with two different partners of hers - but that aspect was more workable with good communication.

This whole thing had been going on for some time, and it's all quite related to both of them revving up their drinking over the last 6 months. What is really eating me up inside is I had my suspicions and doubts about my bandmate, and felt that maybe he was being purposefully a flirty / lusty character in a way to just be kind of mean to his partner. I should have called him on it and I should have told her. I feel gross for taking this guy on tour and for working on this band that meant so much to me for 5 years. Now that this is out in the open, I see some of his behavior as being totally manipulative and taking advantage of people, and he was never one to take criticism well, so it was hard to call him on small things.

Both of these folks live in my house, which has been an active punk house for over 6 years. I have 3 more shows to finish out (with my bandmate being asked to not be around for any of them), and plan to take a good hiatus. I don't know what to do about living with my former partner and former bandmate. He is going through an accountability process, which is primarily led by me, but the whole thing is painful and I don't know how much progress one can really make. Do people change? Part of my hope is in that both of them are quitting drinking. My ex cut it out immediately, because she's that way, but this guy is going to need some focused attention and guidance - which I am so far providing a bit of. While sobriety is probably a key element in this, it's not the whole story.

Though I've been booking bands at my house for 6 years, I've been feeling quite tired of it. It's something I'm good at, but it's mostly given people where I live the impression that I am sort of an unfun go-getter. People like that I do what I do and appreciate it, but they don't really like me. I've been feeling like easing myself out of it, but the band kept me where I'm at. It seemed totally worth it. It was the only thing keeping me going. The only drive in my life. It was the reason to keep the house, keep booking shows, keep my dead-end job. Without it, I feel completely and totally lost - and I'm so angry that a careless drunk friend being a manipulative creep has taken this away from me. I could deal with it if it was my own fault, but it's hard to watch as your high opinions of your closest friends and confidants peels away, and takes all your art with it.

This is probably a jumbled mess. My life has been a fog since the 9th, and whenever I can finally stop thinking about this mess that my life is, all I can think about is how the whole world is burning - or soon will be.

What keeps you all going?
General / Re: Watcha readin?
July 05, 2017, 11:01:47 PM
Normal Life by Dean Spade and Captive Genders, which is a collection.

Basically really on a do away with prison kick.
General / Re: Hey KW
May 11, 2017, 12:18:48 PM
Lol I'm unsure I would have ever noticed that pm. Filth Fest is a great time!
General / Hey KW
May 04, 2017, 09:36:25 PM
Not sure if you check the board much these day, but we're playing Filth Fest in Milwaukee together. See ya in June!
General / Re: What's everyone listening to?
March 14, 2017, 09:30:02 AM
He played drums for a very technical band that played my house a few years back called Para-Medics. He's friends with a few friends of mine and pretty much everyone describes him as an actual genius. I'm always stoked when good people get some traction on their hard work and diligence, so I'm really stoked for him.
General / Re: What's everyone listening to?
March 13, 2017, 06:57:19 PM
Quote from: Eugene on March 11, 2017, 11:29:26 AM

I used to listen to this so much a few years back. Still in my "riding the bus or train" roster of albums. Good stuff!
I am so excited for the new Girlpool album. This song has been lingering with me for some time.
This incredibly talented acquaintance from Chicago just put out a pretty solid album, and this is a particularly catchy track.

Two weeks from now I will probably only be listening to Pile and Nana Grizol, as they both come out with new albums.
General / Re: Band that we can all agree are great
February 10, 2017, 10:10:36 PM
I love Defiance, Ohio, like Jawbreaker, and tolerate both Green Day and Beastie Boys.
General / Re: Band that we can all agree are great
February 09, 2017, 09:38:52 AM
I will take the worst meatloaf song over the best nofx song at least half the time.

My entire house is planning on quite possibly making a halloween cover band to do meatloaf songs.
General / Re: Band that we can all agree are great
February 09, 2017, 07:42:22 AM
So it's just still Defiance, Ohio then?
General / Re: Hey, you can't just
February 07, 2017, 03:13:36 PM
this shit looks sick I too missed 2005
General / Re: Apple Music...
January 18, 2017, 12:50:59 PM
Quote from: skateandannoy on January 18, 2017, 08:42:53 AM
I don't even know where to torrent things anymore. Everywhere is getting taken down. I haven't had a lot of time to listen to new music lately though so I'm pretty out of the loop. I still use this guy:

I also use my Zune when I'm out and about, heck yeah.

I do find that I rarely download things anymore. I don't use any legal sites, either. I just pay for music now. Pretty weird, considering my long, and to me very important history of downloading.
General / Re: 2016 in review
December 25, 2016, 02:14:10 PM
I dramatically shifted my relationship of 5 years. We broke up, now we're doing sort of an open thing. It's really good right now, but it has not always been easy.

My band put out a 7" and went on a month long tour. I am also dating one of my bandmates.

I almost bought a house / venue, but it fell through and I've been feeling sort of lost and meaningless since.

A friend and bandmate died.

I still live in a house that books shows, still play punk music, still live cheaply.
General / Re: Post Pictures of Yo Bad Selves mk. 3
December 01, 2016, 11:49:03 AM
Yeah, this cat is very smart and expressive and also pretty tolerant of my shit. She also plays fetch, which is pretty much the best.
General / Re: Post Pictures of Yo Bad Selves mk. 3
December 01, 2016, 09:46:08 AM
she mus be partially. The momma cat was just a weird little dilute tortoiseshell short hair cat that lived outside of my house for a bit after my neighbors abandoned her. We found her 4 kittens in our backyard and re-homed them, and I kept this cute little nugget. Her siblings mostly don't really look like Maine coons, but she really does except she's not very big.

We also later re-homed mama cat as she was pregnant again and winter was steadily encroaching. Because she was pregnant no shelters in town would take her without immediately euthanizing her, and we knew we could not personally re-home several more kittens or take in another cat ourselves. But my housemate found her and her kiddos a good home just in time for her to give birth again. Makes me really sad that my neighbors would just leave an unspayed cat outside all the time, and then just abandon her when they moved. She was a real sweetheart, too, but was also capable of taking out squirrels pretty readily.

This is maybe too long of an answer to your question.
General / Re: Post Pictures of Yo Bad Selves mk. 3
November 30, 2016, 01:05:19 PM
That is a good music action shot

me and my goofball cat child.
I'm playing a show tonight with Calyx, and I'm drinking too much coffee, and I'm working an 8 hour shift.

I'm so disillusioned by the presidential election, in a way that I didn't even think was possible since it's never really been something I get particularly hyped for. However, my local elections have some pretty important change-overs that need to occur, so I'm voting to get my racist, awful, opportunistic treasurer out of office, and to hopefully avoid having a completely horseshit prosecuting attorney (not that I'm all that impressed with the fellow I'm voting for, but the guy I liked did not win the primary).

All I usually care about at elections is voting to give the bus systems and libraries and schools more money. I live in a city where I do not pay city taxes - that is only accomplished by property tax. Because of that, millages of that sort affect the unscrupulous landlords, who honestly should be paying a bit more for things that actual residents benefit from - seeing as they do not even the bare minimum to upkeep these 100+ year old houses.
General / Re: Songs about friendships ending
October 27, 2016, 09:18:10 AM
These are all kind of vague, and have a mildly romantic feel to them, but I think that's because I've spent the last year dealing with a lot of changes in my life revolving around the idea of "romantic friendships."

General / Re: What's everyone listening to?
August 17, 2016, 11:44:16 AM
Anderson Paak - Malibu is something I put on at least once a day when I'm at work.

Just got a copy of Husker Du - New Day Rising and am thrilled about it, so a lot of that.

and it's summer, so I'm listening to too much Radiator Hospital.