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rory:
It seems like all 5 of us left are into this function, but it's hard to really say.

The last week and a half for me has been a total blur. I caught my bandmate and my partner together. My partnership has been going on for 6 years, with a 6 month or so break as we adjusted to a polyamorous structure. A pretty simple part of the structure is just to talk about who we're interested in etc. but this fellow's name never came up. Had it, I would have probably expressed how that is a bad idea, as he was in a decidedly very monogamous partnership for the last 5 years. It also could be awkward and messy as he was in two bands with two different partners of hers - but that aspect was more workable with good communication.

This whole thing had been going on for some time, and it's all quite related to both of them revving up their drinking over the last 6 months. What is really eating me up inside is I had my suspicions and doubts about my bandmate, and felt that maybe he was being purposefully a flirty / lusty character in a way to just be kind of mean to his partner. I should have called him on it and I should have told her. I feel gross for taking this guy on tour and for working on this band that meant so much to me for 5 years. Now that this is out in the open, I see some of his behavior as being totally manipulative and taking advantage of people, and he was never one to take criticism well, so it was hard to call him on small things.

Both of these folks live in my house, which has been an active punk house for over 6 years. I have 3 more shows to finish out (with my bandmate being asked to not be around for any of them), and plan to take a good hiatus. I don't know what to do about living with my former partner and former bandmate. He is going through an accountability process, which is primarily led by me, but the whole thing is painful and I don't know how much progress one can really make. Do people change? Part of my hope is in that both of them are quitting drinking. My ex cut it out immediately, because she's that way, but this guy is going to need some focused attention and guidance - which I am so far providing a bit of. While sobriety is probably a key element in this, it's not the whole story.

Though I've been booking bands at my house for 6 years, I've been feeling quite tired of it. It's something I'm good at, but it's mostly given people where I live the impression that I am sort of an unfun go-getter. People like that I do what I do and appreciate it, but they don't really like me. I've been feeling like easing myself out of it, but the band kept me where I'm at. It seemed totally worth it. It was the only thing keeping me going. The only drive in my life. It was the reason to keep the house, keep booking shows, keep my dead-end job. Without it, I feel completely and totally lost - and I'm so angry that a careless drunk friend being a manipulative creep has taken this away from me. I could deal with it if it was my own fault, but it's hard to watch as your high opinions of your closest friends and confidants peels away, and takes all your art with it.


This is probably a jumbled mess. My life has been a fog since the 9th, and whenever I can finally stop thinking about this mess that my life is, all I can think about is how the whole world is burning - or soon will be.

What keeps you all going?

GrownFolk:
Sorry to hear this.  It sucks when the people you're closest too in life hurt you.  A good friend, who had a harder life than anyone I've ever met once told me, "when things seem to be as bad as it can get, it can only get better".  I still live by that code and always remind myself when things get really shitty...it can only get better.  Don't let them take away the things you really enjoy in life, booking shows, etc.  However, if you are truly growing tired of that maybe it's time to try something new?  Only you can make that decision and a lot of it has to fall on what you're going to move forward towards.  Overall, I just wanted to say keep your head up, things will get better!

momitsnowme:
I'm sorry Rory. That all sounds really shitty. <3

Joe:
Sad to hear you are going through a tough one, Rory. 

As far as what keeps me going?   

A mantra prioritized in this order:


* Physical health - No matter how shitty I feel, I can still take nice deep breaths, drink water, do some yoga, and live to fight another day
* Mental health -  A positive mindset. Pain isn't a weakness, it's awareness. Facing the pain is the only way to process it and get to the other side, and that process takes however long it takes and that's ok.
* Future health - Spending my time and money in a way that will create positive growth for myself, and in turn, my community.
I've always appreciated your hustle, Rory.  I can't speak to the actions and intentions of your ex and your bandmate. People change when they see it is to their benefit. Sometimes it is positive and sometimes it is manipulative.

skateandannoy:
I'm so sorry Rory.

I try to focus on the stuff I love to do and try to learn something new to keep me distracted. I miss seeing your drawings, maybe spending some time with pencil in hand would be therapeutic?

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