Long Distance Relationships? Your Thoughts/Experiences

[rory]

So, I've been in a really good and stable relationship for two and a half years. My partner and I are in the healthiest relationship either of us has ever been in, we live together and spend a lot of time together. She's super smart, and was accepted into a graduate studies program on the other side of the state (bit over two hours away), which she's definitely going to do, no question. I'm really happy for her and proud of her, and would never do anything to jeopardize her ability to do what she wants to do academically. The thing is, there's just absolutely no way I'm moving to that side of the state. I have a job I really like, in a city I love. I have friends, bands, goals and obligations, all of which require me living here - especially since I do not drive. Not driving is also making that bit over two hours seem a bit further away. She's going to be really busy, so I can't expect her to drive over here to see me all the time, however, the train is not cheap and not convenient with my scattered work schedule. I can make it work, but not every week.

We haven't talked about what we're going to do, or even if we're going to try a long distance thing. Both of us have decided to put it off until after pixfest, which we've done a pretty good job of pulling off. But as that deadline quickly approaches, I realize I have no idea what I want or need to be okay with this. My only experience with a relationship with distance was in my previous relationship, which was tumultuous for a myriad of reasons, and for a few months my partner was away, somewhat in hiding from their shitty family. In that time, our relationship was going south anyway, and although we kept in touch and I wrote cute letters and visited, there was no saving what wasn't there anymore. This time my relationship is still going superbly, so I have no idea what's going to happen.

I really think my partner will want to try and continue this, and I'd like to too. But we're also both so reasonable and realistic, and this shit can be really grating. She and I have a lot to do, and making time for travel just may not be a possibility, which will really change our otherwise excellent communication.


Has anyone had any good experiences with this? Made it work at all? Or shitty ones? Or advice?

[RankResistance]

Don't put off talking about it. Both of you should outline your expectations of how you see it playing out and things that you think you will be able to handle. How long is the graduate program? What happens past that point?

I had to move about two hours south of Athens for grad school. Luckily it was a short master's program, and I finished in a year and a half. No doubt, it sucked. I went from living with my partner and seeing her daily to once every 1-2 weeks. I had school and student teaching and a job and she had a full-time job back home, so making time was tough and sometimes it just didn't happen.

It was a huge bummer, but I think it is manageable, provided you communicate regularly and you can see an end to the distance in sight (even if the end seems far away). When I graduated, I knew I was likely going to have to take the first job offered to me and I also knew that she would not move to Middle of Nowhere, Georgia. Luckily things worked out and I got a job near Athens. But they wouldn't have worked out had we not given it a chance in the first place.

[lindsey]

I agree that having an end in sight is essential to being able to survive a long distance relationship. Whether it is vague or specific, knowing that you'll be together again eventually makes it all so much easier. I mean, it's still reeeally hard though. But if you guys are currently in a good place with each other, I'm sure you can make it work.

[Pwoink]

I was with a partner for only a few months before it turned into a long distance relationship -- and it was a great two years, long distance notwithstanding! We saw eachother once a month, but texting and Skype really helped us stay connected, especially 'cause there was a solid foundation.

It might help to think about what you value about the relationship, what needs of yours it's meeting, and what you need to be happy; then, think about how to have those needs still be fulfilled long distance. Is it important to have someone to fall asleep with? Then you'll need to plan to call eachother before bed. Are your sexual desires a high priority? Maybe that's something that sexy Skype dates a few times a week can help with, or maybe you'll need to negotiate an open relationship.

As long as you still make time to enjoy eachother's company, you can stay connected. Especially if, like Lindsey said, it's a temporary situation with a reunion you guys can look forward to.

[rory]

The finite time away thing is definitely a plus, but the program goes for two years, almost as long as our relationship now. It seems simultaneously quick and also like a serious length of time.

I've definitely got a lot to consider, my brain is just not there yet. It doesn't seem real.

[bee]

i've been in a super long distance relationship for a while now - we met just over a year ago, i still lived in the uk then, and they live in chicago. a couple of months ago i moved to toronto so we are a little closer now but it's still a fair distance.because of work and money situations we haven't been able to visit each other since i moved, but tomorrow we are gonna see each other for the first time in like 6 months, and then they are coming to visit me next month.

honestly, there have been times where it has been super hard. what i've learnt from the whole thing is communication is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. you HAVE to make time for it. me and my partner have had times where our communication has sucked, and one or both of us has had an issue that we haven't talked about as well as we should have, and it's always made things a lot more difficult, but we've both really wanted it to work and we've learnt from our mistakes and generally have become stronger from that. we talk in some way most days which is great, but it's easy to let that become small talk, so i've found it's essential sometimes to agree to have a 'checking in' talk, to set aside some time for it and talk honestly about how we are both feeling about everything.

if you already have good communication that's a great start, and focussing on when you are gonna get to see each other and how awesome it's gonna be is a good way to get through the time apart too.

[Pwoink]

Bee, my partner and I schedule "checking in" talks, too! We call it the state of the union. Super helpful for discovering patterns and setting goals.

[Semi]

Is the public transport between cities really shitty? Because 2 hours with relatively good public transport is A Okay, I did it for 2 years easily. But with bad public transport I can see why it would be harder.

[jer]

the train is not cheap and not convenient with my scattered work schedule. I can make it work, but not every week.

[Semi]

Didn't see, sorry.

But it's still very much doable, my parents lived 8 hours away from each other for 3 years and I was still born!

[jerkemy]

I think it depends on the psychology of the specific people involved

some people are good at it and as long as they can maintain communication, they're fine. I think I'm probably in this camp. Makeouts are great and all, but I'd say the psychological and emotional connection is really the bedrock of the relationship I'm in now

but then I know it really drives some people bugfuck not to have regular physical contact, so I dunno.

[WineTeeth]

I had a long distance deal going with my ex for several months before she moved to Pgh to live with me.  Things were pretty great long distance, but once she moved here, things went south quick.  That said, long distance sucked, mostly because I hate driving long distances (4 hours) and it was always after work and mostly during a bad winter.  Damn near died in WV.

[momitsnowme]

I had a long distance deal going with my ex for several months before she moved to Pgh to live with me.  Things were pretty great long distance, but once she moved here, things went south quick.  That said, long distance sucked, mostly because I hate driving long distances (4 hours) and it was always after work and mostly during a bad winter.  Damn near died in WV.

Do I know you?

[pronetoaccidents]

wouldn't work for me. i'm to needy and codependent and fucked up

[burritos]

.

[rabbit]

I agree that having an end in sight is essential to being able to survive a long distance relationship. Whether it is vague or specific, knowing that you'll be together again eventually makes it all so much easier. I mean, it's still reeeally hard though. But if you guys are currently in a good place with each other, I'm sure you can make it work.

100% agree with this.
personally, it didn't work for me the one or two times i tried it. but neither of them had an end in sight - they were liable to be long distance for.. well, years, with no idea of whether that would change at the end or not. and so it didn't work. i kept one going absolutely faithful and totally in love for at least six months - but it was just too hard. we had an ocean between us, though - so it was a little different.

i'd say that it's a conversation you're going to have to have. and it might not be a deciison you can make *before* it happens - it might be that you have to try it out for a month or two and then see where you're at after that. you're both mature adults, you have a great deal of respect and trust and love for eachother i'd imagine - i'd say it's totally worth giving it a shot but that the answer might only come to you after maybe two months of giving it a go. see where you're at after a trial run and that might tell you everything you need to know,

unfortunately - there isn't going to be any *easy* answer to it. it's going to be hard no matter which way it goes. but i hope that you manage to come to some conclusion which ends in as happy and functional a way as possible for the both of you.

sorry if this answer is a little disjointed and unhelpful - it's real late and i've had a few. so i might be less helpful than i'd like to be. but my thoughts go out to you.

[jer]

Becca and I were long distance for about 6months, but we had an end in sight and I agree with the above that having that end is absolutely essential.

I can't imagine it working or being worth it without that.

[jer]

To be honest Becca and I are probably lucky that it worked out even with the end in sight. I'm sure we're in the minority with this type of thing.

[AaronTheCabe]

i'd like to think they can work. but i'm a romantic like that

[WineTeeth]

I had a long distance deal going with my ex for several months before she moved to Pgh to live with me.  Things were pretty great long distance, but once she moved here, things went south quick.  That said, long distance sucked, mostly because I hate driving long distances (4 hours) and it was always after work and mostly during a bad winter.  Damn near died in WV.

Do I know you?

It's certainly possible.

[momitsnowme]

I had a long distance deal going with my ex for several months before she moved to Pgh to live with me.  Things were pretty great long distance, but once she moved here, things went south quick.  That said, long distance sucked, mostly because I hate driving long distances (4 hours) and it was always after work and mostly during a bad winter.  Damn near died in WV.

Do I know you?

It's certainly possible.

I grew up in WV and have a lot of friends there and in Pittsburgh. I'm Becca

[Seta]

I think all these ideas are great, but I think the "talk about it ASAP" one is super-key for me. these conversations are really hard to have if you're already in different places!

[rory]

I think the only reason we haven't really talked about it yet is because we're sharing a room and house right up until she leaves. If we had talked it over a few months ago only to go "cool we're going to break up, this is going to be too stressful to continue at this time" then we would have had a few months of just kicking it in the same room together,  knowing that everything is ending.

But the longer we've been putting off the inevitable discussion, the more it is looking like we're going to stay together and just figure out a new way for that to be.

[tinybitsofheart]

"Let us love this distance, which is thoroughly woven with friendship, since those who do not love each other are not separated." I read this quote today and it seems kinda fitting here

[rory]

So we've talked, we're stickin' together. We're going to skype and make time for each other. It wont be hard for me to do, it'll be harder for her since her grad program is fairly rigorous. There's still tons to work out, but I'm hopeful!