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[pronetoaccidents]

doesn't seem possible. how can i start over? what if dead moon were right, "that love comes once and then it goes?".. it would fit into my life story, that i actually found true love and i destroyed it. me and my self defeating prophecies.. i was so convinced she would leave me, that i'd do something to fuck it up, that i pushed her away by my fear of her leaving.. and a lot of other fucked up things.

even if i found someone, or someone found me (that's how it usually works. i never make a first move), where can i even begin? i've told her (my ex.. it's hard to see the word ex and associate it with HER) everything about me, the bad, the worse and the ugly. no one else could ever love someone so loveless and miserable and twisted.. i'm a very sick man. i don't speak about the things i've done because they would probably make the few people who have stuck by me rid their hands of me for good..

i guess i'm lucky though. many people go through life never finding love. i found it. i had it. and if i had it, i have memories, and there's nothing anyone can do, even me, to fuck those up.

i don't want someone else. i want to go back and start all over again, even though i'm sure the same thing would happen again.

everything makes me think of her. everything.

we used to lay in bed, and cry over the thought that one of us would have to die first, but we made a pact that the one left would be strong, wouldn't end it by their own hand, because we thought that would ruin the chances of us finding each other again in the afterlife.. sounds silly reading it now, but it meant more to me than anything. it wasn't just words. it was my life.

[pronetoaccidents]

this randomly popped up while i was listening to songs on youtube.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJjuMC0g_NE

awesome song by one of my all time favorite bands, sexy, song called life after love. so i guess it is. cuz sexy said so. i'll take their word, i hope their right.

[BlakeK]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years when I was 19 due to having a crush on another girl (I thought it was unfair to date someone if I had a crush on someone else--the person became my friend but we never dated).

After a few of years of not ever having a relationship last more than a few months, I started to worry that I had made a terrible mistake and that I fucked up what was supposed to be my one shot at true love and that I had pushed my soulmate away.

Eventually I started dating my wife after a chance encounter on Facebook. Everything worked out well, it just took 11 years for me to find another person who was perfect for me. I hope yours doesn't take 11 years, but people are strange which makes finding two who are perfect for each other difficult.

I also think this is the perfect time for you to work on yourself and get stable. This may sound bad but the types of girls who would date a junkie (albeit a high functioning junkie) are limited and I think getting stable would broaden the dating pool and open up new, positive possibilities.

[skateandannoy]

I'm really sorry man. It's hard but you find other people that are right for you.

[lindsey]

unfortunately nothing is going to take away the immediate pain you're feeling. the best actual solution is to work your ass off on being the best possible version of yourself, and you will either meet a great lifetime partner, have a few great partners throughout your life, or be alone, and happy with who you are. be open to meeting someone when you least expect it. understand that all relationships take a lot of work, especially if they are going to last a long time. honestly you are super young (we all are) so try not to focus on finding anything that will last forever. unrealistic expectations are going to make it way harder to find a situation where you would be truly happy.

[pronetoaccidents]

and what makes matters worse, we still live together and sleep in the same bed. we're not in the position to live anywhere else, don't have friends or family who will put us up, and to be honest, we're each others best friend. it's twisted and fucked up and i don't really see how either of us can heal or grow

she's predominately attracted to women. falls in love with women. I'm the only man she ever loved. in her words i was the "anomaly". we should have stayed friends and kept it as that. she felt living a life as a straight woman was a lie and she had a lot of internal conflictions about it. the beginning of the end for us was when she said she needed some type of outlet, and we came to an "agreement" were she would occasionally see women on the side. i didn't wanna know about it, she'd have that, and we thought it would work. i tried telling her that it's impossible to have sex with someone and for one of them not to get feelings. she said at the time that sex was sex and nothing would change. well, she fell in love. she claimed she could love two people. i would lay at home on the weekends (that was when she'd go see her), alone in bed thinking of what they were doing. it tortured me. my mind is mean and knew how to hurt me. i told her i couldn't handle it and she said it was my fault for "opening the door in the first place" and "allowing" it and it was past the point of breaking it off. my resentments grew and grew until i exploded and really scared her.. we've always had an inconventional relationship, a strong connection, a deep love, but i dunno.. i don't think i'll find a love like the one i felt (feel). we had a synchroncity. finished one anothers thoughts, read one anothers minds, that type of thing. another problem was that from right off the bat we lived together so we never had time apart which i see now is essential. there's something special about allowing yourself room to miss someone.