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[pronetoaccidents]

i've been working as a plumbers helper and i generally work 10-12 hour days, worked today and gonna have to work tomorrow (nothing gets the blood flowing like working 7 days a week just to survive!). my only solace is the lie i tell myself at the end of the day that i'm doing it just so i can get a nice tax return in april and take the money and run away with the love of my life to play music and be happy and make love all day. i'm too tired to write during the only time i have to do it if i wanted to, the bus ride to work. i wake up at 5 every morning just to make it to my methadone program when i could sleep another 2 hours if i wasn't a drug addict. i'm too exhausted to even fuck.. the love of my life things its because of her, she doesn't feel beautiful and she is. everything i do is for her but i barely have time to see her. why does life have to suck?

[BlakeK]

I'm sorry things aren't working out for you. Are you still going to the methadone clinic or am I thinking of someone else? How are you doing with that? You talk about your addiction quite often and I know how hard it is. It seems that you have taken steps to better yourself so I am just wondering about your recovery. If you wouldn't mind talking about it I'd like to share ideas with you.

[BagginSagginBrian]

Life is pain, Buttercup, anyone who tells you different is selling you something.

[flopkins]

i can empathize i feel every 6 months ill slave and lose my selfs all in hopes that savings adds up and i can do something that allows me to feel alive, but just to wind up slaving 2 months later. there's really no happy medium unless you make like 20 bucks an hour. and i lost my chance at that a year ago, when i had to resign from ups. right before going driver now. i make less than ever working at a grocerie store in a town i hate and i miss my old city. im currently doing nothing but saving and skating till i can afford to move back to austin jan feb. i really want this house with awesome soil for a garden. =( i want a home.

[BlakeK]

I'm not trying to sell you anything, Ryan, but I do believe there are ways to limit the pain in life. Life is painful, at times, but there are ways to limit that pain (without using drugs).

[pronetoaccidents]

thanks for the compassionate words. it means so much to me that people care about me enough to give some insight/advice/words of wisdom. if there's anything that us humans have in common it's the collective misery that comes with life... you know, the whole inevitably of death and the whole "what's the point anyway" mentality and all that depressing shit.

but yeah, i'm always down for talking about my recovery/recovery in general. It helps me a lot to speak about it. I've come along way and have a long way to go. It's been 4 years without heroin, stopped smoking crack as well and now my main problem is the methadone. I'm 140 milligrams which is pretty fucking high. it's impacting my life negatively because it kills my libido (as i mentioned earlier the love of my life feels like it's her fault. she tries everything, tries greeting me at the door when i come home from work stark naked all set to suck me off (don't mean to be vulgar) because she knows that used to turn me on so much but i'm so exhausted i just want to collapse and lay in the bed because i feel like before i even have a chance to close my eyes the alarm is going to go off and i'm going to have to start the day all over again. it also doesn't happen that i got myself addicted to benzos.. xanax in particular. I got 90 sticks (2 milligram ones) a month which is just about the maximum legal limit a doctor can prescribe to anyone. i have legitimate anxiety but it's hard and a fine line because i'm an addict and while i try to take it as prescribed it's really difficult.

what kills me more than anything is that i do EVERYTHING for my girlfriend. i love her more than i love myself. before i met her i was about to kill myself. and not one of those cry for help type of ones, i had the plan, i was content, i was actually really excited about it and couldn't wait to carry out the plan. thankfully i got arrested the night i was gonna do it and had to spend a few months in county jail before being sent to the long term rehab where i met her so i don't know if that was god or karma or coincidence or aliens playing chess with us as pieces, who fucking knows but all i know is things happen for a reason. that i know for a fact. A FACT. anyhow, like i was saying, everything i do is for her. she is my princess and i want to keep her castle. our beautiful studio. only thing is it takes me having to work 7 day a fucking week so i barely even have time to see her.

ahhh... i don't know. i don't know anything. i just want to read comics and write comics and write stories and make art and make friends. i wish all my old friends were the same people they were, or at least i thought they were when i was younger and i wish we could all hang out and be happy. i want everyone to be happy. i want all of you to be happy.

"all i know is that i don't know. all i know is that i don't know nothing."- operation ivy

[BlakeK]

I'm going to say a few cliche words and then PM you. As you have probably told a thousand times, you need to be happy and comfortable with who you are before you can be in a healthy relationship. I am glad that you found someone who loves you and who makes you feel good about yourself. I'm sure you two love each other very much and give one another emotional support but I think you're going to have a lot of problems in that relationship if you don't become happy with yourself.

I'm keeping the rest in a private message as I'd rather not have what I say be public due to being paranoid about my life becoming public record.

[AaronTheCabe]

I've seen a lot of people say positive, good things to you over the facebook and this board and everything. Those are real people, and that's a real, good life.
Todays my birthday and not a single text or even post from the facebook where it platters everyone's birthdays all week. don't wish me happy birthday. my point is brain doesn't know shit and Blake can probably help you out, but I was you to think about all those people who do wish you happy birthday (i've seen them) and realize you have all those people who care about you. its better than having none
all peace brother